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Stop having sex with rats: Hantavirus advice that could save your life

ARE you worried about contracting hantavirus? You should be, because it’s tiny and could be hiding anywhere. Stay safe by taking the following sensible precautions.

Have another lockdown

Now is the perfect time to relive the blissful WFH days of Covid-19. Sure, your boss may complain it has to be an ‘official’ lockdown, but who’ll be laughing when they’re coughing up blood and you’re eating toasties and wanking between Zoom meetings?

Stop having sex with rats

With their plush fur and inquisitive little faces, everyone would agree that rats are sexually irresistible. Sadly rat intercourse must be put on hold, which won’t be easy for you or your furry friends with benefits. Still, when the virus is under control you can make up for lost time with some romantic weekends.

Dust off those Covid handwashing skills

Wash your hands thoroughly, and remember you have to sing Happy Birthday twice, because it’s the tune that kills the germs. Men may prefer to opt for the Altered Images version with Clare Grogan, obviously.

Become a hantavirus anti-vaxxer

Scientists are already working on a vaccine for hantavirus, so when it’s available you should refuse to take it and insist other people do the same. It’s much more fun LARPing being part of an exciting conspiracy by evil socialist governments, and who hasn’t wanted to meet Laurence Fox on a march? Actually he’s been a bit quiet recently. How deeply concerning.

Don’t go on any cruises

The hantavirus clearly targets cruise ships, so cancel all those Saga holidays you’ve got booked. It’s a shame to miss out on cruises full of old people who exclusively talk about going on cruises, but do you really want to make friends on holiday who’ll be dead in three days, and not necessarily from hantavirus?

Release a mediocre album or film

Horribly untalented at music or filmmaking? Socially isolate and cobble together a low-effort album or dire found-footage horror movie and earn a few quid. You’ll be safe from hantavirus, but more importantly you’ll get a free pass for making it under such challenging conditions, even if you were shit all along. Isn’t that right, Ed Sheeran?

Stop eating mice

Mice are also spreaders of hantavirus, and while they don’t feature heavily in the average British diet they’ve been eaten by humans throughout history and are still popular in places like Malawi and Vietnam. Although you’d think by now they’d have realised that virtually every other species has a better meat-to-fur-and-limbs ratio.

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Banning brown bins: How Reform councils will use their limited powers to be racist

REFORM have taken a handful of councils across Britain and will now attempt to end immigration using only local planning laws. This is how they’ll try:

Make housing white-only

The bedrock of Reform’s faith, equivalent to the resurrection of Christ in their theology, is that non-white households jump the housing queue. They will demand an immediate stop to this and, it never having been the case, will get one. Emboldened, they’ll demand all housing is white-only and learn this is ‘against the law’. So laws are wrong, they muse.

Ban the brown bin

Councils use brown bins for garden waste. For reasons they don’t need to specify, Reform are against this. But the Greens are their enemy, so we can’t have green bins either. White bins? What an insult to the proud Aryan soul to be the same colour as a bin. Purple bins? Too expensive. Official policy becomes ‘fly-tip your garden waste, it’s all the environment’.

Commissioning racist roundabouts

The key duty of a local council is to place unattractive artworks on roundabouts on ring roads. Under Reform, these artworks will depict key moments in white civilisation: the Vikings burning the monasteries, the release of the first On The Buses film in 1971, and the result of the 2016 Brexit referendum.

Race-based filter cycle lanes

Against cycle lanes on the principle that car ownership should be mandatory, cunning Reform councils will announce segregation gates funnelling any cyclist who cannot prove residence going back six generations directly into heavy traffic. But cyclists, as ever, will disregard any rules they find inconvenient and the death toll will be disappointing.

A flag on every lamppost

Under Reform, flags on lampposts won’t just indicate this is an area where a team of shaven-headed men have access to a van and a ladder and are using them to lower house prices. They’ll be mandatory. Which changes them from an act of resistance to yet more pointless bullshit the council’s wasting money on instead of fixing potholes.

Fixing potholes from the inside

Unable to find the budget to fix potholes despite firing the council’s sole diversity officer, your Reform council will reason that if, as Hitler believed, the earth is hollow, then all they need is a team to travel to its interior and push the potholes back out from the other side. A 16-strong team will be dispatched to the Antarctic to do so. They will die there, but whitely.

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