Stupid and evil people live longest, happiest lives

THE secret to living a long, happy life is to be nasty, unintelligent or a combination of the two, research has found. 

Studies have shown that expending energy on a high-functioning brain or exercising a social conscience can take as much as 20 years off a lifespan.

By contrast, those who rarely engage their cerebral cortex and are unfailingly hateful to their fellow man frequently live into their 90s or beyond.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “Whether a central African dictator or Rupert Murdoch, we see time and again a clear link between longevity and being an absolute, unflinching bastard.

“Empathy and philosophising are all very well, but it seems both heart and brain are best preserved by using them the absolute minimum possible.

“Naturally, diet and exercise are also factors but we recommend that everyone try to be an utter fucker at least three times a week, ideally building to 60 minutes every day.”

Tom Booker of Warrington said: “Well, looks like it won’t be Granny’s last Christmas.”


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Daily Mail publishes names of all 3,363 Sleaford Labour voters

THE Daily Mail has published the names of all 3,363 Sleaford Labour voters as part of its ongoing catalogue of enemies of the people. 

Anyone who backed Labour in yesterday’s Sleaford by-election is, the newspaper argues, now a public figure because of their decision to defy the will of Britain by not voting Conservative.

Mail journalist Helen Archer said: “After judges and MPs, this was the next logical step.

“These voters chose to stand in the way of Britain’s chosen destiny, meaning the views of this newspaper, and they should have the courage to justify their decisions in front of, say, an angry mob.

“Many of them have connections with the EU including holidays within it of up to two weeks, so they were biased and had no business voting in the first place.

“Obviously it would be terrible if anything bad were to happen to any of them, and in case it does we’ve reserved a one-inch space to report on it at the bottom of page 46.”

Sleaford resident Mary Fisher said: “Once again, the Mail is Britain’s conscience.

“Kill them. Kill them all.”