'That's where they'll be shackled': Priti Patel's tour of a quarantine hotel

WITH mandatory quarantine being introduced for incoming travellers, home secretary Priti Patel offers an exclusive tour of one of the designated hotels.

“Welcome to Travelodge London Heathrow Central, now known as Travelodge Dungeon One. We chose the Travelodge chain to save costs on the conversions, as they based their hotel designs on prisons anyway.

“No, those shackles next to the kettle and milk portions aren’t modernist industrial interior design. They’re to ensure the inmates comply with the quarantine. Did I say inmates? I meant ‘guests’. Anyway, I initially pushed for putting them in small bamboo cages, so they’re getting off lightly as far as I’m concerned.

“We’ve installed food hatches in the doors to slide their three daily meals of thin gruel through. They aren’t big enough for them to escape, but if anyone loses enough weight to somehow squeeze out there are armed guards outside every lift.

“What I love is that they have to pay for the miserable experience themselves, which is great value for the taxpayer and adds another level of humiliation. Like when you grab a civil servant’s arms and make them punch themselves while saying, ‘Stop hitting yourself!’

“I don’t think we’ve made quarantine too harsh. Yes, I am smirking.”

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Woman texts 28 friends to dissect Tinder 'hello'

A PANICKED woman has texted 28 friends to canvas their opinions on what the ‘hello’ she received from a Tinder match could mean.

Lucy Parry, 26, also asked for advice on how to respond to what she viewed as an opaque and intriguing message with many potential interpretations.

Parry said: “I sent desperate messages to all my closest friends, a couple of co-workers and my mum. I even popped a message in the Ocado customer service chat.

“One friend replied saying that ‘Hey’ would have been a better greeting, as ‘hello’ suggests they are really uptight and potentially a psychopath.

“Another wondered if the lack of capitalisation and punctuation in the message indicated that the sender might be poorly educated and therefore not suitable for me to procreate with.

“Someone else replied ‘Who is this?’ and my mum rang me for a half-hour sob about where she had gone so wrong with me. So ultimately I was none the wiser.

“In the end, after five hours of agonising, I sent ‘Hi’ and he immediately responded with a dick pic. So I blocked him. Basically, your average Tinder interaction.”