Thursday, 6th May 2021

'That's where they'll be shackled': Priti Patel's tour of a quarantine hotel

WITH mandatory quarantine being introduced for incoming travellers, home secretary Priti Patel offers an exclusive tour of one of the designated hotels.

“Welcome to Travelodge London Heathrow Central, now known as Travelodge Dungeon One. We chose the Travelodge chain to save costs on the conversions, as they based their hotel designs on prisons anyway.

“No, those shackles next to the kettle and milk portions aren’t modernist industrial interior design. They’re to ensure the inmates comply with the quarantine. Did I say inmates? I meant ‘guests’. Anyway, I initially pushed for putting them in small bamboo cages, so they’re getting off lightly as far as I’m concerned.

“We’ve installed food hatches in the doors to slide their three daily meals of thin gruel through. They aren’t big enough for them to escape, but if anyone loses enough weight to somehow squeeze out there are armed guards outside every lift.

“What I love is that they have to pay for the miserable experience themselves, which is great value for the taxpayer and adds another level of humiliation. Like when you grab a civil servant’s arms and make them punch themselves while saying, ‘Stop hitting yourself!’

“I don’t think we’ve made quarantine too harsh. Yes, I am smirking.”