The six secret health benefits of a jolly good wank

DID you grow up being told masturbation was a shameful, dirty, Godless habit? Here are six health-boosting reasons to tug away with gay abandon.

It’s a workout for your prostate

Every man should look after their prostate gland, and the best way to keep it in tip-top condition is regular use. Syphoning the python at least twice a week will ensure a long and happy life. Doctors might tell you this is bullshit, but they’re in the pay of big pharma with their actual medicine that works.

It increases your heart rate

A healthy heart is a happy heart, so what better way to get the blood pumping than a quick but energetic jerk-off? Well, jogging or going to the gym, but you won’t have an orgasm and it’s not a good idea to try when there are others waiting to use the rowing machine.

It reduces horniness

There’s nothing more likely to get you beaten up than going to the pub while horny and accidentally staring lustily at an attractive woman then getting battered by her boyfriend. Look after your health by getting it out of your system – literally – before leaving the house. If you forget, knock one out in the pub toilets.

It’ll stop you texting your ex while drunk at 3am

One of the worst things for your mental health is to wake up hungover and remember that pathetic message you sent begging your ex to pop over in the early hours because you wanted sex. The emotionally intelligent guy will give the monkey a damn good spanking before opening that first can of lager.

It helps you lose weight

Yes, a wank burns off a whole five calories. Admittedly that’s not many, so you’ll have to really go at it for any noticeable weight loss, at least 100 wanks a day. This may lead to a trip to A&E with friction burns, but it’s only because you care about your BMI.

It’ll never, ever result in having children

Having a baby is singularly the worst thing you can do for your physical mental health. All those months of sleepless nights and years sitting through monotonous nativity plays just isn’t worth it for the sake of one shag. Love and nurture a box of Kleenex instead.

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Don't go thinking this is about you, Lib Dems told

THE Lib Dems have been warned not to think their by-election win in North Shropshire means they are popular or anything. 

The 34.2 per cent swing to the party, who took a previously safe Conservative seat by almost 6,000 votes, follows their victory in June’s Chesham and Amersham by-election which was also nothing to do with them. 

Voter Norman Steele said: “It looks, on paper, like a triumphant Lib Dem resurgence. It isn’t. I should know, I voted for them. 

“The Lib Dems are here, as ever, the placeholder party. Nobody knows what they stand for and it doesn’t matter. They are a repository for protest. 

“This constituency’s going straight blue again the minute the Tories get rid of that insolent haystack-haired partying lout. Farming folk don’t change their minds in a hurry. 

“All that’s happening is the Lib Dems once again fulfilling their sole function: to be a party that is neither the Tories or Labour.” 

Lib Dem leader Ed Davey said: “I am Ed Davey. I am the leader of the Lib Dems. I am, honestly.

“This is a stunning victory which means we’ll say a load of embarrassing shit about forming the government, then go back to total obscurity with three MPs or whatever it is.”