'They’ve got a vaccine,' and five other reasons to do whatever you want

WITH a possible vaccine possibly on the horizon, it’s time to ignore all official advice on the pandemic and do whatever you like. Try these excuses: 

‘I’m outside’

Being outside dramatically slows the spread of the virus. It does not confer complete immunity and nobody’s ever said it did, but feel free to use it as your catch-all excuse for an all-day drinking session and barbecue with 20 other households.

‘Nobody I know’s had it’

Must be a myth then, if nobody in your small circle of acquaintances contracted it while the entire country was on lockdown. Just like swine flu and bird flu were bollocks because they didn’t kill anyone you knew personally. Get out and mingle.

‘I watched this bloke on YouTube…’

The perfect sentence to tune out immediately afterwards. In this case you watched some half-witted conspiracy theorist assemble misleading media clips about Covid and have decided that gives you enough cover to go to an overcrowded illegal rave in a car park.

‘I’ve probably had it’

Loads of people are asymptomatic, and who’s to say you’re not one of them? You did feel really hot back when there was all that sunny weather in April. In which case you’re perfectly safe and can do the TransPennine Real Ale Trail.

‘They’ve got a vaccine’

By interpreting news stories extremely selectively and ignoring all caveats, you can convince yourself there’s a vaccine ready for injection by September. Why else would the government open all the schools? Ayia Napa, anyone?

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Man more gutted about loss of Q Magazine than loss of elderly grandma

A MAN is more upset that coronavirus stole from him the opportunity to discover the 50 best Oasis B-sides than the chance to see his old nan one last time.

Tom Booker, 46, is distraught that the pandemic has forced the closure of what he has always enjoyed pompously describing as ‘the Led Zeppelin of British rock journalism’.”

Booker said: “Yeah, it was sad about my nan but, to be fair, she was 92. She’d had a good innings, whereas Q was tragically only 34 years-old. I’ve got Paul Weller t-shirts older than that.

“What am I going to base my music prick persona around now? I’ll just be any other middle-aged bloke in jeans and a leather jacket without being able to list the Buzzcock’s greatest live performances.

“My nan could make a great Victoria sponge but she couldn’t tell me how I should feel about the confusing gender fluidity of Christine and the Queens.

“If Mojo goes too, I’ll have to get a whole new personality. Maybe as a golf enthusiast.”