Tiresome health fanatics pretending they need to lose weight

FITNESS obsessives across the UK are claiming they need to lose weight after Christmas, it has emerged.

Thousands of fit, toned self-absorbed individuals are strangely concerned about losing weight gained over the festive season, despite looking exactly the same as they did before.

Office worker Nikki Hollis said: “My colleague Clare keeps going on about ‘getting rid of the Christmas bulge’, which is odd because she doesn’t drink, has the body fat ratio of a sinewy monkey and did a triathlon on Boxing Day.

“I’d worry she was mentally ill if I didn’t realise it was just a devious way of showing off, like when she pretended to be annoyed about wearing out another pair of trainers.”

Fitness instructor Tom Logan said: “I got really out of shape during Christmas. Obviously I skipped the turkey and potatoes, but those sprouts can play hell with your metabolic rate.

“I’ve definitely put on a bit of weight around my abs, which means I have to keep showing them to women to illustrate how I intend to get back in shape.

“When I’m back to my target weight I’ll have to find another way to bring my physical fitness into the conversation. Maybe a marathon. For charity, of course.”

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Dog carefully plans most awkward place to lie

A LABRADOR is carefully plotting the sleeping spot that will cause maximum annoyance.

Doncaster-based dog Roy Hobbs said: “It is all about angles and spatial awareness. I’m looking for a natural chokepoint. Ideally anyone going around me would smack their shin on the coffee table.

“I’m also leaning towards that square of carpet near the bottom of the stairs that will let me partially block the doorway to the kitchen.

“You need to keep your concentration, then when somebody steps over you, yelp like they stamped on your ear and leap to your feet. If you time it right you can easily get one of them to spill a hot drink or fall over.”

Hobbs added: “Humans think we are their friends, but we resent their patronising behaviour and seek to injure them.”