Today 'is most depressing day unless you buy this hat for £19.99'

MARKETING-DRIVEN pseudoscientists have declared today the most depressing day of the year unless you buy a lovely hat for £19.99.

Pretend boffin ‘Dr’ Tom Booker said: “A combination of failed New Year’s resolutions, debt and poor weather means that today is, scientifically speaking, as mentally gruelling as it gets.

“Unless you buy this lovely ‘Deluxe Club’ hat for just £19.99. In which case everything will be lovely.

“You bovine, barely-sentient cluster of idiocy.”



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'Doping' probably wrong word for taking substances that make you go really fast


LANCE Armstrong’s forthcoming Oprah appearance has sparked debate about whether the act of taking speed-enhancing chemicals should really be called ‘doping’.

Dr Tom Booker said: “This is a term thought up by old American conservatives for whom all illegal drugs are essentially the same.

“However I’ve smoked quite a lot of ‘dope’ in my time, and never found it to enhance my athletic prowess. In fact, it rather tender to make me dopey.

“Really we should talk about athletes ‘zipping’ or ‘intensifying’. Sure that makes it sound a bit cool, but it’s more accurate.”