TRAVELLERS voluntarily arriving in the rain-lashed hellhole of Britain are to be quarantined until they explain what possessed them.
Freaks travelling to the UK of their own volition will be locked up, have a harsh light shone in their eyes, and asked whether they are criminally insane by interrogators.
Francesca Johnson of Coventry said: “I tried to tell them that I live here and that I’d only been on a break in Italy. They just ruefully shook their heads and told me I’d need a better reason than that.
“I said that post-Brexit, I’m not allowed to stay in Europe indefinitely and they said I could have claimed asylum because of the political conditions in Britain. They were so right. I’m in a holding cell about to get deported and I couldn’t be happier.”
Customs officer Wayne Hayes said: “The Home Office has extended its hostile environment policy to the entire country, because the entire country is a hostile environment.
“Whether you’re a visiting tourist, a returning citizen or a legal resident, if you can’t come up with a plausible reason for being here you’re out. And tell you a little secret? We haven’t come across a plausible reason yet.
“Why anyone would enter this flag-shagging Wetherspoons-drinking Kirstie Allsopp-enabling shithole is beyond me. Anyone trying should be locked up. And will be.”