Two Scottish People Feeling A Bit Run Down

THE government has raised its virus alert level to 'pantastic' after it was confirmed that two people in Scotland were hovering close to feeling slightly unwell.

The pair, from one of the dozens of non-descript hell-holes between Edinburgh and Glasgow, were admitted to hospital yesterday when their condition was described as 'critically fuzzy'.

Doctors said they were now 90% certain the couple were suffering from Pork Flu as opposed to a common strain of Scottish Influenza, also known as a bastard hangover.

Dr Tom Logan, from the Royal Infirmary of Scotland, said: "Scottish flu is particularly common at this time of year as the weather becomes milder and the days longer, meaning everyone spends even more time in the pub than usual, mainly because they can stand outside all night smoking hundreds of fags."

He added: "I would not be surprised if over the next few days we see thousands of Scottish people coming forward reeking of cheap wine and claiming to have spent the weekend in Mexico City."

A Department of Health spokesman said: "We are almost certainly facing a pandemic and there is now nothing we can do to stop quite a few people being given some pills and told to stay home and watch Murder She Wrote.

"However, we are urging those infected not to watch Grey's Anatomy on Living TV. It won't make their illness any worse, but it will make them much, much worse – as people."

Meanwhile in America more than 40 people have been confirmed as feeling a bit peaky, including one woman who really had to sit down.

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Flintoff To Miss Ashes Hiding

INJURY-hit Andrew Flintoff has confirmed he is unlikely to recover in time for an absolute humping by Australia this summer.

The England all-rounder said he was 'gutted' at the thought of missing six whole weeks of flailing wildly at nothing while his stumps explode behind him.

"It's such a shame but I've got a really sore leg. No honestly, really sore. Ow, OW. There it goes again. It's the left one. Yep, definitely the left one. Why, what did I say the last time?"

Former fast bowler Darren Gough said the focus will now shift to the next most likely England player to be utterly humiliated.

He added: "Injuries like these can keep you out for months, or until Bangladesh turn up, whichever comes first. I suffered a similar setback in 2002, when I ruptured my arm bone something rotten and another lad had to have his chucked pies twatted out of the ground."

Flintoff's history of injuries dates back to 1999 when he dislocated a finger during a barstool-related incident. ECB official  Denys Finch-Hatton said: "Nobody can combine massive disappointment with drunken buffonery with quite the same flair."
The 2005 Ashes hero is currently sipping daiquiris on a sun lounger in South Africa where the IPL is paying him enough cash to suffocate a hippo. He recently signed for the Chennai Super Kings as they are named after his favourite brand of cigarettes.

A friend said: "If there'd been a team called the Delhi Meat Pies or the Mumbai Eight Pints of Bitter, he'd have faced an almost impossible decision."