UK to ignore any health warnings and shotgun six jars of Dolmio tonight as usual

BRITONS are to ignore the ongoing health crisis and the recommendation to only eat Dolmio once a week and chug six jars tonight, like every Friday. 

Despite Dolmio pasta sauces being labelled as ‘occasional’ products, the majority of consumers say that at least two jars are required to get a proper buzz on.

Builder Stephen Malley said: “When I get home the wife’s usually already got a jar on the go for herself and one ready on the table for me.

“We clink them together in a toast to the weekend and then I neck mine in one go, gulping back that thick, bolognese goodness with my eyes closed.

“I have another with my fish and chips and then I’m in my usual spot in front of the telly with the empty jars rattling around on the floor.

“Never touch it at work though. Mate of mine started hitting it at lunchtime, all red and chunky round his mouth and on his shirt.

“Got fired, lost his wife and family, ended up on the streets swigging Ragu. Poor bastard.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Tory MPs unable to find a woman who isn’t a dominatrix

TORY MPs say that dating a woman who is not a dominatrix is virtually impossible.

Backbenchers have sympathised with Culture Secretary John Whittingdale after he was exposed as unwittingly seeing an S&M dominatrix, stressing that in their experience it is ‘always the way’.

Julian Cook, MP for Chichester North West, said: “You’re having dinner with some sweet young woman but then you go back to her flat and – yet again – you find yourself in a sex dungeon.

“Before you know it she’s strapping a ball gag to your face and you’re on all fours snivelling at your reflection in her patent leather knee-highs like the pathetic worm you are.”

Cook added: “For once I’d like to try something a bit more ‘vanilla’ just to see what it’s like. But it never seems to happen.”

Joseph Turner, MP for East Minchin, agreed: “It can’t be coincidence that every woman I’ve ever met, whether student romances or colleagues in the Commons, keeps a riding crop in her handbag for extremely naughty boys.

“Either every woman is a dominatrix, or those that are, are somehow drawn to Tory MPs like moths to a flame.”