UK to remain willfully ignorant of what 'alcohol unit' means

THE UK has accepted new alcohol guidelines of 14 units a week because it has no idea what that means.

The chief medical officer has cut the safe limit for alcohol for men from 21 units to 14 units, which, according to the general public, may as well have been in Mandarin Chinese.

Mary Fisher, from Guildford, said: “The ‘alcohol unit’ is a group of scientists who work tirelessly to make alcohol increasingly delicious.

“They all live together in a big mansion in the countryside, where they come up with wonderful booze combinations and design funky wine bars and cosy village pubs.

“It’s like a much better version of the Wonka factory.”

Martin Bishop, from Hull, added: “The first unit varies from person to person, because it’s how much you can handle before going to the toilet. That’s why it’s lower for women.

“After that, the size of a unit depends on whether you’re mixing drinks, so for example changing to spirits is a new unit. If you do some stretches, that resets your units to zero.”

Oscar and Diego Costa still trying to land a punch on each other

DIEGO Costa and Oscar have been involved in a training ground fight lasting over two days.

The Chelsea players have been desperately trying to land a blow on each other in a bid to end the fight, but have so far been unable to find their target.

Coach Roy Hobbs said: “Occasionally they’ll fall to the ground clutching their faces and roll around for a bit.

“I even tried to show them where they were going wrong by repeatedly belting John Terry in the mouth. I kept going for half an hour before anyone said anything.

“Anyway, they’re still out there, feebly wafting their fists at each other.”

Manager Guus Hiddink tried to play down the situation by claiming they were both trying to shoo away a wasp.

Hobbs added: “We might put one of them out on loan to end the fight as it’ll make it a nice, even 100 players we currently aren’t using.”