UK to remain willfully ignorant of what ‘alcohol unit’ means

THE UK has accepted new alcohol guidelines of 14 units a week because it has no idea what that means.

The chief medical officer has cut the safe limit for alcohol for men from 21 units to 14 units, which, according to the general public, may as well have been in Mandarin Chinese.

Mary Fisher, from Guildford, said: “The ‘alcohol unit’ is a group of scientists who work tirelessly to make alcohol increasingly delicious.

“They all live together in a big mansion in the countryside, where they come up with wonderful booze combinations and design funky wine bars and cosy village pubs.

“It’s like a much better version of the Wonka factory.”

Martin Bishop, from Hull, added: “The first unit varies from person to person, because it’s how much you can handle before going to the toilet. That’s why it’s lower for women.

“After that, the size of a unit depends on whether you’re mixing drinks, so for example changing to spirits is a new unit. If you do some stretches, that resets your units to zero.”