UK's winter Covid plan is a shrug emoji

THE government’s plan for managing the pandemic over the next six months is an emoji of a woman shrugging, it has revealed. 

Ahead of an official press conference where Boris Johnson will blather alliteratively about a plan he has no intention of following, government sources confirmed that it is summed up in a single apathetic image.

A health department spokesman said: “If you want it at more length and in actual words, it’s ‘Do we look bothered?’

“We’ve U-turned on vaccine passports, we’re uninterested in travel quarantine being broken, we’re taking our time vaccinating kids. Basically we’ve moved on.

“What happens in October? Christmas? January? F**k knows. I refer you once again to the shrug emoji.

“A little graphic of a person raising their shoulders in clueless indifference covers our arses when things go wrong. Labour will try to call us out, and we’ll say we’re sticking to our plan. It’s genius.”

Key worker Lucy Parry said: “It makes more sense last year’s alert scale which looked like Nando’s Peri-O-Meter, so I applaud the government for a job well done.”

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Office worker who forgot lunch planning to pop into food bank

AN office worker who left his packed lunch at home is planning to swing by his local food bank for a sandwich, a bag of crisps and a Coke.

Finance worker Julian Cook was in such a rush this morning that he left his lunch on the kitchen counter, and decided that rather than a Boots meal deal he would nip to the nearby foodbank, which is free.

He said: “I’ve donated to them in the past so I know they wouldn’t mind me helping me out now it’s my hour of need. I’m bloody starving.

“But the range of lunch options was a disgrace. Boxes of cornflakes or bags of pasta aren’t any use for the hungry office worker on-the-go.

“Shelf after shelf was tins of soup, tins of beans, toilet roll and Tampax. I said I just wanted a quick packet of something and the woman offered me instant mashed potato. I know they’re volunteers but come on.

“It’s shocking. I’m not expecting anything fancy like hummus or focaccia but at the very least they should stock the basics – turkey wraps, salt and vinegar crisps, maybe a few Mars bars and cans of Fanta. I went hungry today.”

This evening Cook plans to throw a few multipacks of Walkers, some Dr Pepper and six individual pork pies into the foodbank collection point at Tesco, so they are there when he needs them.