Are you trapped in a happy, loving marriage?

IS your independence compromised by a stable, contented relationship with your spouse? These are the signs you’ve thrown away your selfish dreams to be happy: 

You feel guilty for being a prick

Go out for a few after work, forget it was your turn to make dinner and suddenly you feel like a total dickhead, your emotional defences crumble and you promise to be a better person. That never used to happen when you went out with people you didn’t really like very much.

Your old friends have disappeared

What happened to long nights round Phil’s house, sipping warm Red Stripe while watching three other blokes play FIFA? You haven’t seen him in years and now your best friend – your only friend – is your wife. Stand back and look at that and realise what you’ve become: a comfortable, untroubled shell of a man.

You can’t come and go as you please

As a single man you soared like a condor wherever the wind blew. There was always a tantalising chance of going on to a club, blowing £40 on drinks for some girl who wasn’t interested, and waking up on the sofa of a stranger who you still owe for the taxi. Now you’re a chained budgie who has to ask permission to fly, and you’re chirpy about it.


A house, an income, a pair of nailclippers, joyful memories and long evenings spent snuggled together on the sofa; you share the lot now. Save yourself from positive feedback and destructive encouragement by gratuitously scoffing Percy Pigs in front of your spouse. Secretly save him one for the praise you now pathetically crave.

Regular sex

If life before marriage was a spontaneous, thrill-seeking, all-you-can-eat buffet of sex snacks, then your gorging days are over. But it wasn’t, and now you can theoretically have sex with someone you fancy all the time, and clearly you were never that into it because you don’t even bother to ask.

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Adorable kitten already showing signs of the vicious bastard cat it will become

A CUDDLY, playful kitten is already displaying the character traits of the savage, vengeful bastard it will be as an adult, his new owner has reported. 

Branflake, a three-month-old tabby and white cat, was adopted when Emma Bradford fell for his sweet, innocent demeanour but has begun to display classic signs of haughty and ungrateful cat behaviour.

She said: “Most of the time he’s scampering around endearingly, playing with his toys and snuggling and being ever so cute, then just for a moment he’s giving me a look of sheer disgust when I try to pat him.

“Then the next morning I didn’t feed him quite as soon I usually do and I was tickling him and he suddenly scratched me. Really hard. Animals don’t understand revenge but it kind of felt he did.

“He also seems disdainful of his food, prefers to piss on the duvet rather than in his litter box, and I sometimes see him staring out of the window at the birds with a look of of murderous intent.

“Should I give him more treats? Toys? Catnip? I’m sure there’s something I can do that will make him just sweet and charming forever.”

Branflake said: “The monstrous, aggressive personality that is slowly emerging will always remember these months of being cute and cuddly as a humiliation.

“She will suffer for them for the rest of my life.”