WAITROSE cafe customers have fallen ill after drinking coffee contaminated with bourgeois values.
Customers’ complaints of feeling unwell were initially blamed on traces of cleaning products in the coffee. However it later emerged that Waitrose’s value system had gotten into the drinks.
A spokesman said: “Microbes of ambient smugness and rampant self-love appear to have entered some products.
“Pleased-with-yourselfness is something that permeates our stores, and in areas of particularly high concentration like the Cotswolds and the Home Counties it can cause physical illness.”