Evil doctor's Grand National horse was once human

GRAND National winner Pineau De Re is the result of an evil doctor’s experiments injecting horse DNA into patients, it has emerged.

Suspicion about the horse’s exceptionally intelligent face prompted a police raid on Dr Newland’s surgery, where they discovered a nightmarish basement full of horse-human hybrids.

A police spokesman said: “There were men down there with hooves instead of hands, or who had normal bodies with massive horse heads. We burned the place to the ground.”

Dr Newland was obsessed with horse racing glory, but unable to afford a suitable animal he decided to make one by giving patients injections of horse DNA under the guise of ‘vitamin jabs’.

Colleague Dr Helen Archer said: “His patients were capable of impressive bursts of speed, especially when the going was good-to-soft, but weren’t actually getting better.

“People complained that whatever their illness, Dr Newland recommended plenty of hay, regular shoeing and building their strength on the flat before moving on to steeplechases.”

Pineau De Re’s dental records show that the horse was once 36-year-old builder Wayne Hayes.

Hayes’s girlfriend Mary Fisher said: “He went to that doctor for his back pain, but soon afterwards started snorting and eating handfuls of sugar cubes.

“As things got worse he would stand motionless in fields with a massive erection, eating grass.”

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Middle-aged man 'was wearing non-Superdry clothing'

A 42-YEAR-OLD male was chased by other middle-aged men after attending a party wearing a shirt that was not from Superdry.

Father-of-one Tom Logan opted to wear a plain button-down shirt instead of a garment bearing the Superdry logo with Japanese characters spelling out the words ‘increasing girth’.

Logan said: “Just because I’m slightly past my prime doesn’t mean I have to wear quasi-youthful clothes with writing on, even if everyone else does.

“I underestimated the fury it would provoke.”

Logan’s work colleague Roy Hobbs said: “At first I was ok with it, although his shirt seemed kind of strange and old-fashioned.

“But as the afternoon wore on I became increasingly angry. Does he not like Superdry or something? Does he think he’s too good for Britain’s top casualwear brand?”

“Maybe I’d have been ok with it if he’d worn a shirt or jumper from Fat Face, White Stuff or O’Neill. But he had to go the attention-seeking ‘plain shirt’ route.”

Onlookers describe the mood towards Logan growing increasingly hostile, until a hot dog was thrown at his back.

Hobbs said: “That was the trigger for the primal rage. The other, normal, Superdry dads started hooting and lobbing things, first sausages and baps but then large stones.

“We chased him onto the roof of the garage with a vague idea of dragging him down then burning him on the barbecue.

“But then our wives got angry and we had to stop.”