Sunday, 27th September 2020

We always treat outsiders as if they're disease-ridden, confirm country folk

RURAL people have a long tradition of hating outsiders regardless of coronavirus, they have explained.

After a number of incidents of intimidation, rural residents have made it clear this is just their normal attitude to city dwellers and anyone from more than two miles away.

Shopkeeper Stephen Malley said: “We can reassure visitors that they can expect the same welcome they would get at any other time. That is to say, a frosty and resentful one.

“We might paint ‘GO BACK TO LONDON!!!’ on a prominently placed horsebox, or follow your car so you’re unsure if it’s just annoyed locals or an actual psychopath like in Duel.

“It’s just the way of the countryside. Personally I’d like to threaten hikers with a pitchfork, but the police had ‘words’ last time I did that.”

Investment banker Julian Cooke said: “With lockdown easing we’ll definitely be heading to our cottage in Devon to buy nice eggs from simple country folk.

“I hope they still play that affectionate little prank where they set your Range Rover on fire and write ‘F**K OFF’ in faeces on your door.”