We always treat outsiders as if they're disease-ridden, confirm country folk

RURAL people have a long tradition of hating outsiders regardless of coronavirus, they have explained.

After a number of incidents of intimidation, rural residents have made it clear this is just their normal attitude to city dwellers and anyone from more than two miles away.

Shopkeeper Stephen Malley said: “We can reassure visitors that they can expect the same welcome they would get at any other time. That is to say, a frosty and resentful one.

“We might paint ‘GO BACK TO LONDON!!!’ on a prominently placed horsebox, or follow your car so you’re unsure if it’s just annoyed locals or an actual psychopath like in Duel.

“It’s just the way of the countryside. Personally I’d like to threaten hikers with a pitchfork, but the police had ‘words’ last time I did that.”

Investment banker Julian Cooke said: “With lockdown easing we’ll definitely be heading to our cottage in Devon to buy nice eggs from simple country folk.

“I hope they still play that affectionate little prank where they set your Range Rover on fire and write ‘F**K OFF’ in faeces on your door.”

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Five things 'staying alert' obviously won't protect you from

THE government claims ‘staying alert’ will protect us from coronavirus, even though it’s clearly bollocks. Here are some more things the vacuous new slogan won’t protect you from.

Being dumped 

Whether it’s been on cards or you’ve alienated your partner by eating cheese on toast in your pants throughout lockdown, no amount of alertness is going to stop you getting dumped. When they finally walk out or callously dump you by text, you’ll realise Boris Johnson was talking shite.   

Ageing

Staying alert is not going to do anything to stop Father Time. Being vigilant against the signs of ageing might allow for some panic measures like dying your hair or buying some young person’s tight jeans, but it’s a losing battle. In fact alertness will just highlight things like wrinkles, constant tiredness and grey hairs, then, depressingly, pubes. 

Your parents 

You know they’re coming. Once lockdown is over. They’re coming. And they’ll have months of stored-up things to hassle you about, forcing you to admit “Yes I’ve put on weight in lockdown”, “No, I’m not doing okay for money” and much more. Being as alert as a kestrel after 10 cups of coffee won’t stop it.

Jury duty 

Alertness definitely won’t prevent the thud of the jury summons hitting the hallway mat. Then before you know it you’ll be trapped in a socially-distanced deliberation room with 11 other jurors shouting at each other about a minor post-pub scuffle as if they’re in Judge John Deed.

Grizzly bear attack 

Staying alert might help you spot the bear, but once they’re on your tail you don’t stand much chance in a life-or-death tussle with a 650lb mature, male bear. You’ll quickly find that the Discovery Channel was wrong, and that playing dead doesn’t work and running in zig-zags just makes them angrier. Thanks a bunch, Matt Hancock.