Welsh install Scouse-detectors

THE Welsh have installed a network of foolproof Scouse-detectors along their northern border. 

The detectors, which cover every road and path into the country from Shotwick down to Hay-on-Wye, can instantly detect any Liverpudlian incursion and alert police. 

First minister Mark Drakeford said: “Sensitive microphones are trained on every border crossing. At the same time, we’ve erected signs on roadsides asking questions like ‘Who’s the best Beatle?’ and ‘Our Cilla, eh?’. 

“It’s impossible for a Scouser to pass one without bursting into voluble argument, tribute or tears. They simply can’t do it. The mics pick it up and they’re stopped by our roadblocks before they reach the chorus of ‘Hey Jude’. 

“The system is infallible. Even the most committed Liverpool fan can’t not mutter ‘Learnt everything he knows on the streets of Croxteth, la’ when passing a billboard of Wayne Rooney. 

“And by covering our borders with a load of Scouse rubbish we’re successfully repelling everyone from the Greater Manchester area as well. It’s win-win.” 

Tom Logan of Birkenhead said: “It’s discriminatory and unfair. And that sign’s right, John Bishop’s funnier than Peter Kay any day. He’s boss.”

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Dominic Cummings' guide to not paying council tax like the little people

ARE you rich and powerful but still don’t want to pay for your bins to be collected? Here Dominic Cummings explains how to get out of it.

Get a really important job in government

People in government used to set a good example for the plebs, but not me. I’d rather take the mickey by not bothering to do stuff everyone else has to do. No one can touch me because I’m good at thinking up inane slogans.

Only travel on private roads 

If I don’t use the same roads as you nobodies, I don’t have to pay for them. The A688 to Barnard Castle is now my own private branch of Specsavers, by the way. Boris is making it the law tomorrow. If you drive on it you have to pay me. 

Abolish binmen

I’m not known as a maverick disruptor for nothing. By abolishing binmen, I’ll remove the problem of having to pay for them. It will mean that the UK is soon awash with disease and misery, but no change there.

Get Laura Kuenssberg to do it

If I’ve got something I want leaking I just get Laura to do it for me whilst pretending it’s genuine reporting, so I’m sure she wouldn’t mind forking out for my council tax too if I asked her. Maybe she could go halves with Robert Peston.

Dress like a poor person

If all else fails, just dress like a down-on-his-luck hipster like me. Pop on a droopy beanie and some trackie bottoms and no one will believe you even have a job, let alone that you’re the secret Machiavellian puppet master pulling the prime minister’s strings.