We're just Calpol-ing the shit out of this, admit parents of young children

THE parents of young children have admitted they are just going to Calpol their way through the next five years. 

Martin and Nikki Bishop used Calpol sparingly at first but now dish it out to their three children to the extent it has become a verb.

Nikki said: “Headache? Calpolling it. Can’t sleep? Calpolled. Teddy’s fallen out of the car window? Excuse me while I Calpol. I’ve taken to having a nip myself.

“The Victorians gave their kids gin to make them sleep, then stupified themselves, but packaged in a socially acceptable medical format. The great thing is we get to keep all the gin for ourselves.”

Martin Hollis said: “Hopefully Waitrose will install a massive Calpol tank so I can buy five litres at a time.”

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Woman's problems all seem to involve how great she is

A WOMAN’S many problems all seem to be related to how attractive, successful and generous she is, people have noticed.

Marketing manager Donna Sheridan’s recent personal woes have included unwanted male attention, spin class being easy, having too many parties to go to and always being fun.

Colleague Tom Logan said: “Donna has many problems, talked about at length each day, but they share a fundamental underlying narrative of ‘I am bloody fantastic’.

“I totally agree that men should not be constantly hitting on her. It’s terrible that it happens in every situation, including barbecues, the school run and buying paint with her husband in B&Q.

“Having said that, we’ve been to the pub loads of times and they weren’t exactly circling like horny vultures.”

Boss Helen Archer agreed: “I have weekly chats with Donna about her problem of being so amazing at her job that others get jealous. It’s a problem, alright.

“In fact Donna’s correct in thinking most of the issues in her life arise from how flawlessly brilliant she believes she is. Just not in the way she thinks.”