Why shops are infectious but pubs aren't, by Matt Hancock

BEAR with me; I only found out about this mask decision five minutes ago and now I’m on television justifying it. F**king Boris. 

Anyway, I’m the health secretary, so of course I know the science behind why we must wear masks in shops, in about two weeks, but not in the pub. Because, as always, we’re following the science.

So. Most shops are large, air-conditioned spaces in which the virus will. No. Because in shops, people frequently touch objects like tables that, wait that’s not going to work either. Give me a minute.

While in pubs, people share the same air all evening so if one punter has COVID, everyone there will have it by the end of the night. Oh f**k. Let me start again.

I’m aiming this too high. Do what Boris does: imagine they’re all idiots.

Face masks in pubs? You can’t drink a pint through a chin nappy! And I love drinking pints, just like you all do! Pints of beer!

Finally. The Sun will lap that up.

Ignorance really is bliss, halfwits confirm

IDIOTS are in universal agreement that not knowing anything is indeed the secret to eternal happiness.

People unburdened by the curse of knowledge have revealed that they’re free from worry about coronavirus, climate change, and the existence of nuclear weapons.

Simpleton Stephen Malley said: “At school I realised that education was a one-way ticket to misery. Since then I’ve sacked off learning entirely and I haven’t looked back.

“I drift through life without a care in the world. I can’t even spell ‘global pandemic’, let alone get my head around the terrifying implications of what one could be.”

Imbecile Donna Sheridan added: “Smart people like Einstein and Danny Dyer always seem miserable. Even that statue of the man having a think looks down in the dumps.

“They want to cheer up by putting down boring old books and scroll mindlessly through social media instead.

“That’s what I do, as well as sharing tweets from that harmless funny man Donald Trump just to put a smile on everyone’s face.”