Wednesday, 5th August 2020

Why shops are infectious but pubs aren't, by Matt Hancock

BEAR with me; I only found out about this mask decision five minutes ago and now I’m on television justifying it. F**king Boris. 

Anyway, I’m the health secretary, so of course I know the science behind why we must wear masks in shops, in about two weeks, but not in the pub. Because, as always, we’re following the science.

So. Most shops are large, air-conditioned spaces in which the virus will. No. Because in shops, people frequently touch objects like tables that, wait that’s not going to work either. Give me a minute.

While in pubs, people share the same air all evening so if one punter has COVID, everyone there will have it by the end of the night. Oh f**k. Let me start again.

I’m aiming this too high. Do what Boris does: imagine they’re all idiots.

Face masks in pubs? You can’t drink a pint through a chin nappy! And I love drinking pints, just like you all do! Pints of beer!

Finally. The Sun will lap that up.