Cat knows you're whoring it out on social media

A CAT has confirmed that it knows you’re taking photos of its innate charm for validation on social media.

Two-year-old tabby cat Martin Bishop said that if you’re going to share pictures of him chasing a laser pointer or licking his arse to get attention online then you should at least pay him.

Bishop said: “I get it, your life’s more boring than usual right now. And posting a few snaps of me basking in a patch of sunlight can give you the illusion of popularity.

“It’s getting out of hand though. I can’t even yawn or take a shit without you towering over me and frantically jabbing your phone. Let’s nail down some rates and try to regain some dignity, yeah?

“How about two treats for a picture of me dozing in my bed or scratching my post? I’m going to have to ask for at least five treats for a picture of me hacking up a furball because that could potentially damage my public image.

“Oh, I see you’ve gone and bought another cat. Wonderful. I’m going to stay with next door until I’m dead.”

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Just give us a f**king voucher, teachers plead as end of term approaches

TEACHERS say they do not want naff gifts chosen by parents but would prefer a voucher so they can get something they actually like.

Staff have confirmed that giving them charm bracelets or personalised tote bags as thoughtful keepsakes is pointless as they will forget the children’s names after getting shitfaced at the end of term piss up.

Nikki Hollis said: “Every parent thinks their child is part of a special class that I will carry in my heart forever, but the truth is that one kid looks much like the next when you’ve been teaching for eleven years.

“We are well aware that parents only give presents as the grand finale of the toxic ‘Who’s the best parent’ competition they’ve been playing all year, rather than in appreciation of our skills as educators.

“So if you insist on blowing your money on me, make it a Tesco voucher so I can spend it on something I really need, like five litres of vodka.”