Woman already making space under stairs for bullshit healthy lifestyle gadget

A WOMAN who asked for a smoothie-maker for Christmas has found the perfect place for it to be stored and forgotten about.

Helen Archer, 29, has been pestering her boyfriend to buy her the LifeJuice 9000 since August, despite knowing she will talk about it obsessively for two weeks before placing it carefully in the cupboard under the stairs.

Archer said: “I love the idea of being healthy, especially at Christmas when I feel like an obese yak. I’ll start harping on during Christmas Day about how much I’m looking forward to my new juice diet. But it’s all bullshit.

“I’ll spend the week between Christmas and New Year researching healthy blended soups, but without actually making any because it’s still the holidays which means I need to be hammered by 2pm every day.

“And on January 6th I’ll make a green drink from some horrific combination of vegetables and realise the whole thing has been a pathetic waste of time and money.”

She added: “Next year I’ll want a thing that makes courgettes like spaghetti, because for some bloody reason I’ll have decided I don’t eat enough courgettes.”