Woman condemned for failing to breastfeed despite not having children

A WOMAN had been publicly shamed for her choice not to breastfeed despite not actually being a mother. 

Although she has two fully-functioning mammaries, Emma Bradford has so far refused to put them to their natural use, provoking an online backlash.

Former colleague Nikki Hollis, posting on Facebook, said: “They have a biological function Emma, but I see you’ve been brainwashed by the patriarchy.

“I don’t care if your child is seven years old or isn’t even a twinkle in its father’s eye, yet. Breast is best.”

Complete stranger Carolyn Ryan responded: “Let’s give Emma the benefit of the doubt, there may be medical reasons she doesn’t breastfeed. Let’s wait for her to tell us her intimate medical history and then judge her.”

Bradford’s claim that she does not breastfeed because she is not lactating and has no infants only inflamed the situation, with general agreement that she was a selfish harpy.

Hollis concluded: “Not having children is selfish enough, but not breastfeeding those children? Shame on her.”

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Best thing about getting old is being spoken to like a f**king toddler, say OAPs

ONE of the most fantastic things about getting old is being spoken to like a child, pensioners have confirmed.

While some aspects of the ageing process can be challenging, such as common health complaints and thoughts of impending death, OAPs said being addressed as if you are a toddler ‘really softens the blow’.

Martin Bishop, 79, said: “My children communicate to me entirely through baby talk now. The other day my eldest daughter asked me if I’d like a ‘drinky’.

“It’s so sweet of her. Nothing pays a more fitting tribute to the life I have lived – including the decades raising her and her brothers and my career as an architect – than reducing me to the status of a pre-schooler.”

Retired headmistress Margaret Gerving, 82, added: “The other day a woman on the bus bellowed at me to stand still so she could ‘help me off’.

“Then she kept shouting ‘You’re OK, don’t worry’ as she dragged me across the road by the elbow, in a different direction to the one I had planned.

“It was just so fucking considerate.”