Woman surprised not to be congratulated on weight gain

A WOMAN who liked all her friends’ weight loss posts on Facebook cannot understand why they have said nothing about her putting on 18 pounds. 

Carolyn Ryan of Hatfield has gained the weight after a rigorous summer programme of crisps, beer and no exercise, but has seen no response to her before-and-after photos.

She said: “I’m supportive when they change shape. Where’s my ‘you go girl’?

“It’s not been easy. I’ve had to deny myself all kind of restraint. Sometimes I didn’t want to gorge that second tub of Ben & Jerry’s. If they were real mates they’d say.

“I thought we were all weight-positive now. I certainly am, I’ve just ordered Domino’s.”

Friend Nikki Hollis said: “I did debate writing ‘Your muffin top looks really bulgy, well done’ under Carolyn’s crop top picture. But it just seemed fake.”

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Destroying Alderaan 'business as usual', asserts Tory MP

THE destruction of Alderaan with a giant space laser was business as usual and nothing to get worked up about, a Tory MP has claimed.

Denys Finch Hatton, member for Bexleyheath and Crayford, told protesting rebels that they were overreacting to a perfectly routine bit of political business, which was typical of them.

He continued: “None of you had even heard of Alderaan until yesterday, but a few viral retweets and suddenly you’re all bloody experts.

“Well let me give you all a few plain facts; this was not an outrage against the traditions and norms of the Galactic Republic, it wasn’t done just out of spite, and we did this to concentrate on our very exciting legislative agenda.

“Anyone claiming to have ‘felt a great disturbance in the Force’ or ‘millions of voices crying out in terror’ is guilty of playing politics. The real voices that have been silenced are Brexiters, by the liberal elite BBC.

“There is nothing remotely unconstitutional about the DS-1 orbital battle station or our leaders’ use of it. Why can’t you be optimistic for once?”

Hatton added: “The cross-party rebel alliance, currently meeting on Yavin 4, should start backing Britain. In the time they have left.”