Woman working hard on winter body

A WOMAN who ate a doughnut in the middle of the night is making her body an appropriate shape for the season.

Emma Bradford is aiming for the perfect ‘winter body’ in time for the colder weather by eating a shit-ton of fatty things and getting nice and chubby.

Bradford said: “It stands to reason that if you’re meant to have slim body for the summer, then you need to have a warm layer of blubber for when it’s chilly.

“It has meant changing the way I eat, but I’ve made a handy menu planner that tells me when to replace lettuce with a sausage or quinoa with two packets of Space Raiders.

“My aim is to outgrow my clothes by Christmas and realise my dream of wearing a slanket to the office party.”

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People excited about Christmas adverts told about rest of human culture

PEOPLE who cannot wait for big shops’ new Christmas TV adverts have been told about books, films and art.

Amid growing excitement about a John Lewis, people who love cloying corporate sentimentality have been informed about humanity’s other cultural output.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “For many centuries before high street shops started creating 30-second seasonal narratives to sell jumpers, mankind has been telling stories.

“These stories were written down in books, which are stored in libraries or on bookshelves. Some of them are pretty good.

“Museums are another good starting point for learning about the things humanity has created that do not involve an animated creature breathing on a window and then drawing a heart in the steam.

“Fuck it, even Netflix has some good stuff on it.”

Mother-of-two Nikki Hollis said: “I actually tried to get the book version of the last John Lewis advert but apparently it doesn’t exist.

“I hope the new one is about an otter who falls in love with Rita Ora and they have little half-human festive otter pups. Then they all go up in a balloon.”