Woman's only winter cardio is pulling her tights up

A WOMAN has admitted that hoisting her sagging tights back up is her key workout for the winter months. 

Nikki Hollis of Leeds has given running, cycling and boot camp because of the cold, but believes she is maintaining her fitness by yanking her 80 denier tights back up to her crotch every six steps.

She said: “Hiking that gusset up every 90 seconds – minimum – is making my arms more toned than boxing ever did.

“Plus I frequently overadjust, give myself a wedgie and have to pull back down, which involves a semi-squat and is really working on my thighs.

“Add into that shivering, walking the long way around puddles and constantly getting up to turn up the thermostat and go to the fridge, and I’m actually outperforming my summer regime.

“And I’m so practiced now I can do it without anyone noticing. I think. That bloke on the bus did look at me funny.”

Hollis added: “I’m saving a fortune on gym membership. Oh shit, I forgot to leave the gym.”

4 classic kids' films that could offend idiots

ARE you an idiot looking for a fun family film to ruin by claiming it is prejudiced? Then here are a few classics: 

The Wizard of Oz
Did you know that the cowardly lion character in The Wizard of Oz is actually a man with his face painted to look like a lion? This is testament to the arrogant belief that a human can play a lion better than an actual lion. Some might call this a classic example of the human superiority complex prevalent in the modern film industry; some might say lions can’t act. Either way, it’s an outrage.

Paddington
A young bear from the Peruvian rainforest is found by Londoners but instead of finding him safe passage back to Peru or taking him to a zoo, they keep him in domestic captivity. Things get darker still when they force him to wear old man’s clothes. This is clearly endorsing animal cruelty. Animals have rights too. Even made up ones.

Peter Rabbit
This may seem like an innocent take on Beatrix Potter’s classic tale, but it is really teaching impressionable young rabbits that it’s okay to bully men with berries. In one horrifying scene, the bunnies cruelly attack Sam Neill with blackberries knowing that he was allergic to them. Or, possibly just because they are talking bunnies in a made up story, but who cares. This makes a mockery of anyone who has ever been bullied by bunny rabbits.

Wonderwoman
Another strong female beating up the bad guys and saving the world! YAWN! Girls are even busting ghosts and doctoring whos now. What about the men? Isn’t it about time we had some male leads in Hollywood. I can’t think of any. Not one. Nope.