Women offered chance to give birth anally

WOMEN in the UK will soon have the option to give birth anally, as part of the NHS reform bill.

The new rules, which come into effect in early March 2012, have been introduced to make the whole process of childbirth a more pleasurable experience for women, according to health experts.

Dr David Stark of UK Healthcare Trust: “It makes sense to  combine the joy of defecation with the rather more uncomfortable act of giving birth to a human.

“I am sick to death of women moaning on and on about the agony of childbirth and their gaping, flaccid vaginas. We hope the new procedure will put an end to this hormonal nonsense.”

Under the new rules, when women discover they are pregnant, they can make a choice between a traditional vaginal birth, a Caesarean section or an anal birth. It is expected that most women, including celebrities like Victoria Beckham and Angelina Jolie, will jump at the chance to have a ‘rectal child’ and keep their clitorae intact.

An NHS spokesman said: “Several key changes will occur on labour wards. Instead of midwives, there’ll just be immigrant toilet attendants with minimal English language skills who sign a laminated cleaning rota every 20 minutes and watch the soap dispenser like a hawk.

“And mothers will not be offered epidurals: they’ll just be handed a copy of The Times’ crossword and left to get on with it.

“In addition, there’ll be much less waiting around for labour to start, as women will be given a strong cup of coffee and a cigarette. And there’ll be no more screams of agony. All you’ll hear are sighs of pleasure.”

Jackie Spencer, a professional feminist from Peterborough, said: “Women should re-claim the back passage as our own and make it all pretty with ribbons and bows and things.”

 

Your problems solved, with Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
Every time I go to my local supermarket they ask me the same questions: do I need a hand to pack? Do I have a club card? Am I collecting vouchers for schools? No. The answer is no, as it has been for several years. Will my statutory consumer rights be affected if I stab a checkout lady in the face?
Sarah,
Humberside

Dear Sarah,
It sounds like you need to de-stress and relax. On a Friday my class does yoga because our teacher, Mrs Dodkins, says our little minds need to wind-down after a busy week. None of us want to do it though, because it’s very boring and you always get an eye full of Mrs Dodkin’s saggy old lady lumps.They must be about 7 foot long and 1 inch wide when she’s bending over, and they’re all brown and wrinkly. Even worse, they slap together and make a soft flapping sound when she stretches out which gives us all the dry heave. You just have to hope and pray you don’t get the space right at the front because you can see it all in close-up, and if she’s had an extra cup of coffee at break time you’re right in the firing line if she lets one rip when she’s doing ‘The Cat’.
Hope that helps!
Holly