Women To Force Hat-Stand Into Anus Of Male Midwife

THE senior male midwife who criticised child-birth painkillers will today have a hat-stand forced into his anus, women have promised.

Dr Denis Walsh will be dragged from his office and taken to a paddling pool in the car park where three strong women will hold him down while another two take a seven-foot, solid pine hat-stand with six large curved coat hooks and put it in him.

Emma Bradford, a pregnant lady from Peterborough, said: "No painkillers, no epidurals, we want him to be able to bond with the hat-stand.

"And of course there are potential health risks if you use painkillers while a hefty, awkwardly-shaped piece of hall furniture is shoved as far up your lower intestine as we can get it.

"The pain of hat-stand insertion is a beautiful, natural thing, but if he's worried then perhaps he could try hypnotising himself into thinking that none of this is happening while we use the hat-stand to convince him that it is."

She added: "We've set up the paddling pool, or 'hat-standing pool' so that he can see for himself exactly how much difference that will make."

Jill McKay, from Doncaster, said: "If he needs something to take his mind off the searing pain in his anus I'd be more than happy to take a pair of pliers to his testicles."

Dr Walsh said: "I take it all back. It was obviously a joke. Look, I've not been well. Get your hands off me. For Christ's sake someone call security.


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Test Matches Stupid

TEST match cricket was declared stupid last night after England drew with Australia despite being much, much worse at cricket than them.

England can now claim to be just as good as Australia as experts warned it will soon be impossible to attract young people into the game if you cannot win no matter how much better you are than your opponent.

Denys Finch-Hatton, consultant editor at Wisden, said: "Australia have essentially just drawn a test match against a team that seemed to consist mainly of second-hand furniture.

"I'm not saying the furniture was good, or plucky, or showed great character, I'm saying that someone dumped an old chest of drawers in front of the wicket and the Australian bowlers were unable to spin their way round it, when it wasn't being treated for scratches."

He added: "I don't know what that is, but it's not sport."

Experts say Australia may have been forced into a draw after a little known by-law was used to assess their score in dog years.

The passage in the rule-book, written in bright green biro, states any player involved in totals over 600 not holding a British passport will have their score divided by seven.

Australian captain Ricky Ponting said: "Excuse me, but what the fuck just happened here?"

Meanwhile England's Paul Collingwood insisted he was confident of another inexplicable draw at Lord's, adding: "It's looking good as long as Kevin Pietersen stops waving his bat like he's doing a voodoo dance and someone explains the rules to Stuart Broad."