Almost Half Promise To Find Out Where Afghanistan Is

MORE people know where Afghanistan is compared to three years ago while thousands more have promised to look it up on Google, according to a new poll.

In a stunning success for the government's war strategy, almost 20% of Britons can now point to the troubled nation on a map, though less than 10% knew why they were being asked to.

Around a fifth knew that Afghanistan was nearer to China than it was to Britain, but most of them then pointed to Cambodia or Hawaii.

Meanwhile more than 30% pointed to the Falklands, while another 12% pointed to Scotland, including a large number of Scottish people.

A Ministry of Defence spokesman said: "At this rate it will take less than a decade until more than half the people in Britain know where Afghanistan is, at which point we can begin to explain why we are fighting there.

"And if that goes well then five years after that we can start giving the soldiers some proper hats."

He added: "We have to accept that when it comes to getting people to be able to point correctly to a country on a map we are in it for the long haul."

Bill McKay, from Newark, said: "Why are we still fighting in Afghanistan? Does the Union Jack not fly over Port Stanley? Did General Belgrano die in vain?"

Martin Bishop, from Stevenage, said: "Afghanistan? Is that the oil or the heroin? Or has it got something to do with caves? Are those the caves where the 9/11 bombers stashed all their oil and heroin? Have we not found it yet?"

Margaret Gerving, from Hatfield, added: "September 11th 2001 was an awfully long time ago. There have been many, many episodes of Celebrity Masterchef since then and I had to make room for them in my brain."

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Swine Flu Slowly Catching Up With Diarrhoea And Hiccups

THE number of cases of swine flu could catch up with the number of cases of hiccups and diarrhoea, given 10-12 years, doctors have claimed.

As the department of health turned the panic knob back up to seven, GPs said there was a danger that runny tummies and spasmodic diaphragms could eventually be outnumbered if the RAF carpet-bombed all of Britain's major towns and cities with water balloons filled with swine flu round-the-clock, for a fortnight.

A spokesman for the British Medical Association said: "There are currently about three million cases of hiccups, some of them very nasty indeed.

"Meanwhile there are about four million cases of diarrhoea, all of them very nasty indeed.

"There is even a handful of people who have diarrhoea and hiccups, and that's one of the worst combinations you can get. Probably even worse than toothache and plague.

"But where is their leaflet? Where is their TV advert? Where is their desperate, pathetic front page of the Daily Mail?"

The BMA is proposing three large digital counters at Piccadilly Circus in the centre of London to display a running total of Britain's swine flu, diarrhoea and hiccup victims.

The spokesman added: "If at any point the swine flu total overtakes one of the other two you will either shit yourself or be so frightened it will cure your hiccups.

"As for all the swine flu, there's a good chance that I have contracted it and then recovered from it at some point between the beginning and the end of this sentence."