Working Mums Prefer White Wine To Childcare, Says Study

MOTHERS who work are happier than those who stay at home because they can have liquid lunches and don't have to spend time with their kids, according to a new report.

A study by Glasgow Clyde University found that so-called 'stay-at-home mums' were not entirely happy with the daily prospect of unremitting, high-pitched wailing and a face full of vomit.

Meanwhile mothers who went back to work as soon as they possibly could reported high levels of satisfaction when it came to chatting about the X-Factor, 'poking' Facebook users and spending lunchtime immersed in a vat of Pinot Grigio.

Research chief Dr Henry Brubaker said: "Every woman has a different approach to motherhood, but we found that increasingly most women have exactly the same approach, which is to get the hell out of the house.

"Modern parenting means you can work, enjoy the company of your friends and have a skinful at lunchtime safe in the knowledge that the nursery will text you if something interesting happens."

Mandy Amble, 36, from Peterborough, said: "At first I wanted to spend as much time as I could with my child. But after six solid hours of that stinking lump shouting, 'Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang!' I started to change my mind.

"Now I can pretend to work all day and enjoy a range of top class white wines without having to worry about being covered in piss and shit."

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Police Threaten To Stop Shooting Brazilians In The Face

POLICE are threatening an immediate halt to all Brazilian face-shootings as part of their ongoing pay row with the government.

Tom Logan, chairman of the Police Federation, said his members were already operating a 'shoot-to-rule' and would only pump bullets into Brazilians, electricians, or both, during normal shift hours.

He said: "We don’t care if the guy's pinned in his seat and the gun's in his face. If it's clocking-off time, we down tools and that fanatical Brazilian can either blow himself up or continue his journey to work. Whatever."

"Without the police this country would be swarming with Brazilian electricians, undermining our values and that.

"People might think we sit around on our arses all day, sending squad cars out for fish and chips and ignoring your desperate pleas to stop the local kids urinating on your car. But we don't. We shoot olive-skinned electricians. In the face."

He warned that an all-out strike would also leave young black men free to drive their own cars and that second-round FA Cup matches would be forced to go-ahead without an intimidating police presence.

Logan added: "And who is going to stop you for having a faulty rear brake light and then lean in your window and make you feel small in front of your wife, while his partner leans in the other window, fondles his truncheon and winks at your missus?"