A YOGA teacher has finally mastered the challenging move of pretending to have a fully-functioning life outside yoga classes.
After years of training, Nikki Hollis, 32, is now able to nimbly switch from the downward dog into acting like her entire existence is not a total shitshow.
She said: “It’s taken dedicated daily practice, but you can tell the difference. The entire class can feel the calm I radiate when I’m faking having everything together.
“Even at the back, they’re suffused with the sense of centred wellbeing that only comes when you don’t have a coffee table piled high with unopened bills and a one-night stand of uncertain name in the bathroom. I’ve cracked it.
“There’s no way when I’m preaching mindfulness and living in the moment they can tell I’m getting the bus home because I lost my licence for speeding.”
Hollis added that she is now working on mastering the transition between exhaling deeply to clear the mind of cluttered thoughts to inhaling deeply on a Marlboro Light the minute the class buggers off.