Yoga teacher masters tricky move of pretending to have her life together

A YOGA teacher has finally mastered the challenging move of pretending to have a fully-functioning life outside yoga classes. 

After years of training, Nikki Hollis, 32, is now able to nimbly switch from the downward dog into acting like her entire existence is not a total shitshow.

She said: “It’s taken dedicated daily practice, but you can tell the difference. The entire class can feel the calm I radiate when I’m faking having everything together.

“Even at the back, they’re suffused with the sense of centred wellbeing that only comes when you don’t have a coffee table piled high with unopened bills and a one-night stand of uncertain name in the bathroom. I’ve cracked it.

“There’s no way when I’m preaching mindfulness and living in the moment they can tell I’m getting the bus home because I lost my licence for speeding.”

Hollis added that she is now working on mastering the transition between exhaling deeply to clear the mind of cluttered thoughts to inhaling deeply on a Marlboro Light the minute the class buggers off.

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London shit

LONDON is shit, it has been confirmed.

After centuries of debate, experts have finally confirmed that the UK’s capital is an unremittingly bleak consumerist hell and the demolition process should begin immediately.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “London is the most exciting city and vibrant city on the planet, or so millions of pale and tired residents weakly tell themselves every morning.

“Fancy cheese shops in shipping containers. Relentless advertising telling you to ‘find your brilliant’. Everyone avoiding eye contact as studiously as if their fellow commuters were gorgons.

“The evidence for London’s shitness could hardly be any more compelling. Also most rich people are twats, only rich people can afford to live in London, you work it out.”

Queen’s Park resident Roy Hobbs said: “Although I am pretending to be excited about a new London exercise trend called ‘Energy Combat Bounce’ in my heart I loathe the place and want to have kids just because it’s a sort of excuse to move out.

“Although I fear I may be too institutionalised to escape, like Morgan Freeman in The Shawshank Redemption, and am doomed to open a chain of wildly overpriced chicken shops called ‘Daddy T’s Grease Hut’ based on a soulless parody of working class American culture.