Couple 'moving for better schools' told 'f**k off and good riddance'

THE neighbours, friends, and family of a couple who are moving house to be in an area with better schools have been told to fuck off and not come back.  

Tom and Cecilia Logan, who are abandoning everything they hold dear for the catchment of an ‘outstanding’ secondary school, have proved themselves the kind of achievement-obsessed arseholes not worth knowing anyway according to friends.

Neighbour Carolyn Ryan said: “We had a friendship. We had a community. And you’ll throw all that away for better GCSE grades? Fuck you.

“My mate Marie moved to Bedford because she met this bloke. My brother lives in Scotland because he got a job there. Those are real reasons.

“But to uproot the whole family just so your thick 11-year-old can go to a school that got a marginally better Ofsted rating in 2015? What kind of twat?

“I’m honestly ashamed to have ever looked after your dog, you shallow arseholes. Go on, piss off to your better-funded local authority. We won’t miss you.”

Tom Logan said: “Morally we had no option. That school was only rated ‘good’. We’re like refugees fleeing a warzone.”

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Man in new relationship does all his farts in the park

A MAN in a four-month-old relationship is still breaking wind in the local park.

Tom Booker has been dating Joanna Kramer since May, during which time he has tightly clenched his sphincter to avoid releasing a foul odour that would have killed their love instantly.

Booker said: “I’m not sure what the socially acceptable time frame is for letting one go in front of your girlfriend. She hasn’t even met my parents yet, so it’s definitely too early for her to meet some of my more creative smells.

“Thank god I live fairly close to a park where I can go once a day and just let it absolutely fucking rip.

“She’ll find out eventually, but I need the illusion that I don’t have normal bodily functions to last a little longer. Maybe just until I say ‘I love you’.”

Girlfriend Kramer said: “Tom’s great, but I just wish he felt comfortable enough with me to break wind once in a while.

“I have to fart in the park.”