You're on your own, says Food Standards Agency

THE Food Standards Agency last night admitted there is nothing more it can do.

As most food was confirmed to be something entirely different, the agency suggested you do your shopping blindfolded and give everything a good sniff.

In its final statement, the FSA said: “The chances are that if you just grab whatever is in reach you’ll still end up with most of the important food groups but everything will have a fictional name.

“For instance these ‘turkey burgers’ are mostly apple, while this ‘apple’ is actually a dolphin’s pancreas.

“All the best.”

Meanwhile, frozen food giant Findus confirmed that its vegetarian lasagne is 100% meat.

The company said the ready meal, part of its ‘Very Very Vegetably’ range, has been withdrawn from sale so that some tomatoes and onions can be added to it.

A spokesman said: “They won’t go back on sale until we have brought the meat content down to less than 50%.

“We will also include a complementary portion of our Mostly Meat-Free Mushrooms which can be added to the plastic tray at the microwave stage, or enjoyed as a healthy side dish.”

Vegetarian Jane Thomson: “There wasn’t even any lasagne in it. It was just a bag of mince.”


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Welsh sun-worshippers rend garments

WALES has asked for science to apologise after threats of solar storms were confirmed.

Speaking from a temple made of sticks, the Welsh elders warned of mass panic as solar flares play havoc with everyone’s haunted talking pebbles.

Druid chieftain and IT consultant Roy Hobbs said: “If we don’t start showing a bit more respect for He That Really Hurts When You Stare At Him For An Hour Or So, huge great lumps of sun will start falling all over the place.

“Unless of course these pigeon gizzards are wrong.”

Preparations for the solar storm have already begun, with every citizen issued with a pot of woad to paint their heads and a list of good places to hide.

Hobbs has called for a ‘national day of action’ to avert the greatest catastrophe to hit the country since the Big Fire of Cardiff in 1782.

He added: “We will have to catapult a virgin into the sun every 12 hours.”

Meanwhile the Welsh Institute For Thinking has demanded an apology from the Royal Astronomical Society for disrespecting their third-most revered deity, after the God of Drizzle and Huw Edwards.