Weekending: Blair's Popery Bombshell

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Lloyd-Webber To Play Pug-Ugly Composer In 'Hollyoaks'

ANDREW Lloyd-Webber is to join the cast of the Channel Four soap opera Hollyoaks as an incredibly ugly composer of terrible songs.

Lloyd-Webber will play 'Andy Lloyd-Webber', the man behind such deplorable West End hits as Jesus in Flares, Men in Cats and Joseph and His Enormous Sombrero.

The move follows an Ofcom ruling requiring all programmes screened before the 9pm watershed to demonstrate an 'attractiveness balance' to safeguard the feelings of ugly children.

A Channel 4 spokesman said: "The cast of Hollyoaks is now made up of 27 unbelievably attractive, blonde 19 year-olds.

"The only way we can possibly meet our statutory obligations in a cost-effective way is to bring in Andrew Lloyd-Webber for the rest of the current series."

The new storyline will see Lloyd-Webber's character set up home in Chester so he can put the finishing touches his latest production, Aspects of Cheese.

The spokesman added: "When they discover him living above the bistro, the rest of the cast pelt him with stones before realising that ugly people have great personalities."

If Ofcom are still not satisfied, Channel 4 say they will bring in Lloyd-Webber's close friend, the rotting husk of Ben Elton.