Cock Ban Looms

A BLANKET ban on cocks has been proposed as part of the government's crackdown on fucking.

Ministers, determined to prevent the birth of thousands of new Conservative voters, are planning a series of reforms designed to eradicate penetration by 2012.

Harriet Harman, the secretary of state for genitals, told MPs: "According to the government's chief medical officer, this country is filled with people doing it.

"Many of them take part because they enjoy it. Some of them enjoy it so much they are willing to pay for it. Because of their willingness to pay for it, some people are willing to be paid for it. Apparently this has been going on for some time."

Ms Harman added: "Intercourse leaves a legacy of regret, clap and babies, as well as thousands of miserable foreign call girls and depressing Channel 4 dramas starring that chap out of Life on Mars. It is time to act.

"We can either import more cheerful prostitutes, at a cost of hundreds of millions of pounds, and run the risk of an increase in humping, or we can tackle the root of the problem – the existence of cocks."

The first stage of reform is likely to involve cock-tagging. If this is unsuccessful, Whitehall sources say cocks will be banned and men will have to urinate into a bag strapped to their waist.

The reform programme will be led by Lord Hayes, a junior health minister and former chief executive of Cock Tags and Piss Bags plc.

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BNP Man Woos Ballerina Away From Chink

BNP activist Richard Barnbrook is to marry beautiful English dancer Simone Clarke  after rescuing her from the clutches of a slanty-eyed Latino half-breed devil, he said last night.

Mr Barnbrook said he had fallen for Clarke after meeting her at a BNP curry and lager night at his local Indian, before wooing her using the traditional lovemaking ways of the indigenous Anglo Saxon peoples of the British Isles.

And he insisted she had only betrayed her race with Yat-Sen Chang, her Chinese-Cuban paramour, after being kidnapped, plied with opium and driven to a frenzy by prolonged exposure to his ‘jungle music’.

He said: “Simone is very much the victim here as she is of the weaker sex.

“Understandably her mind was disturbed by the animalistic hip thrusting of that degenerate savage. I just thank God and St George I was able to bring her back.”

The BNP councillor said he planned to raise the unfortunate mongrel offspring of the dancer’s white slavery as his own, until the child was old enough to earn its living in some filthy backstreet brothel.

“I have nothing against the children of mixed-raced couples, as long as they do not attempt to dilute the blood line of my own pure race with their debased fluids,” he said.

Mr Barnbrook has also drawn up a list of ballets that his fiancée will not be allowed to perform on racial grounds after they are married.

He said: “Anything by Tchaikovsky really. No wife of mine will dance to the music of a Bolshevik Jew Slav. They’re worse than the darkies, who can at least drive a bus.”