People over 30 are grown-ups, say experts

PEOPLE in their 30s and 40s are adults who are able to decide things for themselves, according to a new academic report.

The wide-ranging study of more than 2000 British people over the age of 30 found that:

  • they are old enough to be out on their own;
  • they enjoy having money and being served in pubs;
  • they recognise that getting drunk and climbing up some scaffolding is not an excellent use of their time.

Research director Dr Tom Logan said: “When it came to tobacco and alcohol we made the startling discovery that people over 30 were no longer little children who still pissed the bed.

“In fact, not only were they able to read the gigantic warnings on cigarette packets, they were also fully aware that drinking two bottles of Muscadet on an empty stomach could lead to hangovers, half-remembered unpleasantness and chronic liver disease – but they were going to do it anyway because they were adults and it was no-one else’s fucking business.

“When we asked them how they knew these things, they stressed that was also none of our fucking business and that politicians should stop trying to make everyone the same.”

Dr Logan added: “That said, quite a few of them did have a raging drink problem which caused them to piss the bed.”

The report made a series of key recommendations for public policy makers including putting warnings on stuff and then shutting the fuck up.

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Drivers Who Shoot At People From Behind The Wheel Could Face Jail

CARELESS drivers who take potshots at fellow motorists while trying to change gear could face up to three months in prison.

The government is to review current penalties for a range of driving offences including high-speed gun play and reading a book while approaching a roundabout.

At the moment both carry three penalty points and a £60 fine, but police are calling for stronger deterrents to prevent drivers from shooting-up their local dual carriageway.

Superintendent Bill McKay said: "You cannot possibly change gear or use your indicators and lean out of the window in an attempt to shoot out the tyres of the car in front of you.

"And driving an automatic is no excuse. You may not have to change gear but that doesn't mean you can settle back with a copy of Captain Corelli's Mandolin and a packet of Revels."

Supt McKay added: "If you do want to read or shoot at people, either pull over in a safe place or wait until you get to your destination.

"Or you could invest in a few talking books. My wife and I are currently enjoying The Holy Blood and the Holy Grail read by David Jason.

"As a matter of fact, we're planning a trip to Renne Le Chateau next year, where I intend to shoot at French people from the safety of a lay-by."