Americans Without Health Insurance Attack Plan To Give Them Health Insurance

FAT, stupid Americans with no health insurance have attacked plans to stop them dying so easily.

Across the United States poor people who are told what to think by television said President Obama's plan to give them free healthcare could lead to them being treated in a hospital that was not run by the Chicago Mafia.

Bill McKay, a retired shitkicker and Fox News analyst, from Kentucky, said: "I would rather replace my own hip using a rusty spoon than wait two months to have it done in a communist hospital, by some coffee-coloured faggot doctor who will then eat my unborn child to celebrate the end of Ramadan."

Barbara Hayes, a God-fearer, from Arkansas, added: "Ah see'd some woman from England on the Fox News sayin' her muslim communist doctor would only give her the good medicines if she denounced Jesus. Ah ain't denouncin' Jesus fir nobody, no siree."

But Dr Tom Logan, head of public health at the Institute for Studies, said: "The key difference between the United States and Britain is that we treat poor people rather than leaving them to die in a skip.

"It may take a few weeks or even months, and not everyone is happy about that, but we do at least all agree that it is marginally better than the skip."

He added: "Rich people have a thing called 'BUPA'. No-one knows what it stands for, though some people say it sounds as if it might be Indian. But it does mean you get your own room, quick treatment, nice food, and you get fawned over by nurses who were just that bit too sexy for the NHS."

Meanwhile Conservative leader David Cameron was forced to defend the NHS after Tory MEP Daniel Hannan's ego told Fox News that Britain's health system was 'worse than a lifetime of anal warts'.

A Conservative spokesman said: "We're not really sure what Daniel Hannan's problem is with the NHS. Perhaps they were unable to save his hair."

Stephen Malley, professor of American History at Reading University, added: "To be fair to Fox News and the Republicans, they do have a principled objection to socialised medicine based largely on the fact that a black man won the election.

"The thing you must always remember about the American right wing is that they are basically the baddies in a film."

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Crystal Meth 'probably not a good idea'

FORMER users of the super-speed that can make you chew your legs off have spoken out to say that, on balance, it is probably best avoided.

Crystal Meth is a cocktail of twice-baked amphetamine, moose tranquiliser, crack cocaine and ground-up shellac gramophone records that is up to four billion times more addictive than popping the bubbles on a Jiffy Bag.

Former addicts, speaking at the ‘Crystal Meth: Is It For Me?’ exhibition at Earl’s Court, said the drug was less cool than many believe, especially when you are injecting it into your one remaining eye with a sharpened bellows.

Carl Howes, from Portsmouth, said: “I was running a double glazing company when I was offered my first hit from Terry, my regional sales manager, at the Christmas party.

“Within 72 hours I’d traded in my BMW 5 series for a stolen Waitrose trolley and had become a Nosferatu-like creature of the night, living in skips and shagging frozen chickens until my cock bled.

“So I would probably say ‘give it a miss’.”

Former florist Lucy Durston discovered crystal meth when she ordered some chinos from a clothing catalogue but was sent a kilo of the drug instead, due to a warehouse mix-up.

She said: “I loved the way I could stay up for six weeks on the trot with the deafening sound of Belgian techno constantly ringing around the inside of my skull.

“But then I blacked out, woke up naked, covered in cat blood and with three of my toes missing, to discover that I’d burned down my house and all the houses on my street while screaming obscenities in Gaelic.

“All things considered, you might want to join a squash club instead.”