MPs Still Dicks

MEMBERS of Parliament are still dicks, it emerged last night.

A Royal Commission will investigate whether democracy can survive without Alan Duncan

Despite the ferocious public anger over the parliamentary expenses system and a pledge by MPs to reform it, new research suggests that many of them remain very punchable indeed.

Alan Duncan, the Tory shadow leader of the House, who has been at the forefront of his party's apologies for the expenses scandal, yesterday confirmed that he did not mean any of it and that he wants more money to buy nice things without being shouted at.
Speaking to the man who vandalised his garden, Mr Duncan warned that unless MPs were treated like Little Lord Fauntleroy, the House of Commons would soon not be able to attract money grubbing ex-oil traders like him.

He said: "I am now forced to bring in a packed lunch. It's basically a small Tupperware box with a Visa card in it.

"I then have to use this card to buy food at some French restaurant – French! – and then I have to carry a very heavy receipt all the way back to my office.

"Sometimes I have to wait days before that receipt is reimbursed, during which time I come dangerously close to dipping into the huge amounts of money I made selling oil to Pakistan during the Gulf War.

"Now you may say that bringing a packed lunch is no great hardship, but what you have to realise is that politics needs people like me, otherwise how will vast oil companies have their interests represented in parliament?"

Mr Duncan added: "I am being treated like a shit. Like an oily, greasy, grasping, selfish little shit."