Anna Chapman Also Has Fantastic Tits, Claims FBI

ANNA CHAPMAN, the suspected Russian spy, also has a cracking set of charlies, the FBI confirmed last night.

US investigators are concerned that the international media has become obsessed with Chapman’s face and flowing red hair and has lost sight of the fact that her tits are absolutely phenomenal.

A spokesman said: “Let’s not forget what we are dealing with here. And imagine the damage they could have done to our democracy as they bounced up and down on top of it for hours on end.

“This was nothing less than an attempt to have a long, hot, soapy shower with the highest levels of our government. Really, really soapy. Soap everywhere…

“Soap.”

He added: “Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, the point is, this woman needs to remain in custody for ages.

“At the moment we see no need for her to even go on trial. She’s much better off where she is, just doing her stretching exercises and eating lots of ice lollies.”

Chapman has been charged with one count of refusing to accept a fake passport from an undercover FBI agent and one count of having the kind of dirty-pretty face that suggests she may know those sexual positions previously believed to be mythical.

Meanwhile it has emerged that the other female spy suspects arrested last week range from somewhat dowdy, to weird looking, to out and out big fat cow.

An FBI source said ‘Patricia Mills’ was found in possession of a baked bean with a camera in it, a lipstick that turns into a gun that turns into a helicopter and a brand new pair of knife-shoes.

But the source added: “Unfortunately she also has a slight moustache, a wonky left eye and tremendously disappointing boobs.

“We’ll probably just let her go.”

 

The Daily Mash in your inbox
privacy

Gerrard ******s A **** With ****

LIVERPOOL captain Steven Gerrard is bracing himself for revelations that he ***ed a ***** and has had to ***** the ***** with a coat hanger and a ****ing great *******.

Rumours have been circulating the internet that a heavily oiled ***** was also used and needed ****ing with an electric *****.

The ***** was later discovered upside down with a ****** on its ***** and covered from head to toe in a ******-like substance.

Sources claim the ***** was subsequently ****** at least twice and then destroyed.

But Gerrard insisted last night: “If you don’t **** your ***** I’ll ***** in the ***** with a  rubber *****, like you were playing Phil Collins.

“All the rumours doing the rounds have about as much truth as the ones that say Robbie Williams likes ****.

“Anybody who knows Robbie knows he loves ******* a **** with a ***** just as anybody who knows me knows I wouldn’t be able to **** a **** with a ****** even if I wanted to.”

The rumours appear to have been started by somebody working at Liverpool FC and the press is frantically trying to track him down as he seems to be friends with approximately two-thirds of the male population of Britain.

Journalist Charlie Reeves said: “Going by the phone calls we’ve had from members of the public, this guy has texted approximately 6.8 million people in the last few days. If anybody’s heard somebody moaning about getting a six-figure mobile phone bill, do put them in touch.”

Newly-installed Liverpool manager Roy Hodgson has defended Gerrard, saying: “Steven has assured me that nobody has ****ed his *** with ******* ****ade that shouldn’t have. Apart from anything else, nobody could play an entire season of football with a **** full of *******, could they?

“But having just left the Chelsea area, I can confirm that everything you’ve heard about John Terry is absolutely true, including the story about him hating *****s, **** and the *****.”