Australia wants to get its war on

AUSTRALIA has said it is willing to join bombing missions in Iraq, or anywhere else, because it loves a good fight.

An Australian soldier, in his Australian hat

The country, which is as belligerent as anyone else in the West, complains it always gets forgotten when the fun starts.

Prime minister Tony Abbott said: “We would love to be a bigger player on the geopolitical bombing scene but the problem is that we’re in the arse-end of nowhere.

“Tony Blair fooled his people that Saddam could blow them up in 45 minutes. But if I tried to claim missiles could reach us in 45 days, they’d laugh me out of the country.

“Who are we meant to pick a fight with down here? Papua New Guinea? Hobbitland next door?

“Here we are, one of the few countries in the world big enough to shrug off a nuke, and nobody to scrap with. Makes you bloody weep.

“We try to compensate by giving immigrants a hard time but it’s really not the same.”

A spokesman for the US Army said: “We always invite Australia to our wars, but you’d be surprised how few conflicts need an elite surfing battalion.

“Also, for all their big talk, one shot’s fired and they jump back into the sea.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Man United to become MK Mancs

FOLLOWING the successful example of MK Dons, Manchester United is to set up in the same town under the name MK Mancs.

The 4-0 arse-spanking they suffered at the hands of the Dons has convinced United that this is the only way ahead for a traditional club in steep decline.

A club spokesman said: “A tiny minority of purists may whine but we must follow the successful model of the club formerly known as Wimbledon or die.

“Remember, the Mancs are a global brand. We belong to the world. And Milton Keynes is in the world, so I don’t see what all the fuss is about.”

However, Bill McKay of the MK Dons Supporters Club said: “Do things like heritage, tradition and community, mean nothing to MK Mancs? We’ve been established here for over 100 months.

“This is a slap in the face to authentic Milton Keynes Wimbledon football fans.”