Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
An interesting day down the registry office this week when you discover that Midge Ures full name is actually Midget Uranium.
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Youre kicked off your philosophy course when you try to illustrate an example of a syllogism by wanking all over the window in the study room.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
After your acting career has been reduced to appearing in gay bukkake porn, you decide its time for your comeback.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Why not start an Indian restaurant in Buenos Aires called Argie Bhaji?
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
All you want is a nice, quiet girl that listens to how your day has been and you can snuggle up to on the couch. So youre going to have to pay her extra to change out of the standard clear plastic heels and peephole bra outfit.
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
You regret buying that CD for your wifes birthday with a million songs on it. Youll never hear the end of it.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
The boozer on your street is declared a ‘gastro-pub’ by locals because it serves cheese toasties.
Taurus (20 APRIL 20 MAY)
Its easy to lose touch with old friends with the pressures of work and raising kids. Its even easier when you never really liked them anyway.
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
You always wanted to do something groundbreaking and original so good news this week your death certificate will be the first to use the phrase massive Teletubby-induced rectal trauma.
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
“The lady doth protest too much, methinks,” is a poor closing statement in your sexual harassment case.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Your twelve step program probably isnt going as well as it could do if youre too pissed to read all the way to the end of step one.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
This week you will accept an offer of £220,000 for your two-bed house in Croydon from the charming psychic buyer who viewed it recently. Yes you fucking well will.