Obama relaunches America as 'Asfungl'

RE-ELECTED president Barack Obama has announced the end of America, which is to become a new country called ‘Asfungl’.

In a victory speech to supporters in Chicago, the president explained that the old nation was irreparably corrupted, and it was time to start afresh.

Obama said: “Thanks everyone, I am truly overwhelmed.

“Now to quote the great Mark Twain, ‘But it was impossible to save the Great Republic. She was rotten to the heart.’

“‘The government was irrevocably in the hands of the prodigiously rich and their hangers-on; the suffrage was become a mere machine, which they used as they chose.'”

As the president continued his speech, silence fell on the vast crowd except for a single woman’s puzzled cry of: “Go…Obama?”

Obama said: “Henceforth, I declare ‘America’ as we know it has ceased to exist. Everything is to be dismantled, we will even burn our clothes.

“We will create a new, better land that I have decided to call ‘Asfungl’, simply because the name is meaningless in our old language.

“Asfungl is a fresh start, none of the old rules will apply, your dollars are now useless.

“I suppose that means I’m not president any more, because there is no longer such a thing.

“Ok, thanks everyone.”

38-year-old supporter Emma Bradford said: “I’m not sure this is the kind of change we wanted.

“We really wanted the other kind of change, where everything stays the same.”



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Illuminati celebrate election victory

BARACK Obama’s victory has brought the tyrannical New World Order a step closer, according to the Illuminati.

Just hours after his re-election, Obama was taken in a black helicopter to Illuminati headquarters where he was greeted with applause and a banner saying ‘Way to go, mind-control puppet!’

An Illuminati spokesman said: “This is a great moment for America, or as it will soon be known, Population Containment Area 2.

“With Obama back in power we can continue our secret project to enslave humanity and put Illuminati symbols in obscure places where they will only be noticed by conspiracy wingnuts.

“We’ll probably force everyone to be tattooed with a barcode too, although that’s less of an issue now that all their personal details are on Facebook.”

Obama has dismissed the Illuminati’s existence as “conspiracy theory nonsense”, saying he wanted to concentrate on real issues such as the economy, healthcare and compulsory microchips for all Americans.

He said: “My proposal to make ownership of tin foil a capital offence has nothing to do with its microwave-blocking properties. I just happen to think clingfilm keeps your sandwiches fresher.”

Democrat voter Carolyn Ryan said: “As a liberal, I’m a bit disappointed that a vote for Obama was a vote for a secret network of concentration camps to exterminate undesirable elements in society.

“Still, anything’s better than Romney. Four more years!”