Backpacker To Explain Why He Smells Of Prostitutes

THE 19 year-old British backpacker found after two weeks in the Australian outback will today be asked to explain why he smells so strongly of prostitutes and gin.

Jamie Neale, from North London, was reported missing hours after he failed to return from a night out in Sydney. He is now being treated in hospital for chronic dehydration and exposed parts.

Sergeant Tom Logan, of the New South Wales police, said: "He couldn't give us any real detail about where he had been, but he did reek of alcohol and cheap sex and had an enormous smile on his face.

"Other than that we have absolutely no reason to believe he has spent the last fortnight in a brothel, having round the clock sex with prostitutes from every corner of the globe and slurping home made gin from a bucket.

"Even though, as we told him, it is very easy to lose track of time in a situation like that. You wake up one day, realise you've probably been declared missing and then head for the hills while frantically pulling your trousers up."

Jamie said: "I can honestly say, with hand on heart, that the last two weeks have been the most intense of my young life.

"I admit I do smell a bit strange but that's because I was attacked by a badger on heat and the only food I could find were those berries that they use to make gin."

He added: "I will be coming home as soon as possible mainly because all my money was stolen by an owl."

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Northern culture honoured with enormous pie

THE North’s contribution to British culture is to be recognised with the installation of a 60ft bronze meat pie in Hyde Park.

The Arts Council commissioned sculptor Darcus Mayhew to create the piece, which is entitled A Taste Of Otherness.

A spokesman said: “The North isn’t just a vast, desolate tract of grey, smack-addled inertia populated by feral teenagers, broken fridges and starving, soot-smeared drug widows desperately clutching emaciated offspring to their pockmarked breasts as they plead for alms in a wheezy 60-Lambos-a-day voice.”

He added: “There are nice bits too, apparently. Canals or something. Although once you get past Derby you mustn’t drink the water.”

Sculptor Darcus Mayhew said: “The pie is a perfect analogue for the people of the North because it is fatty and made of meat. Also it’s very heavy, so visiting Northerners won’t be able to steal it.”

The sculpture has been drawing large crowds, mainly Londoners keen to commune with Northern culture. Web design consultant Fraser Palmer said: “I’d always thought ‘pie’ was a mathematical formula but today I’ve learned that it’s also a kind of savoury flan.”