‘Bastard Chinese Tried To Poison Me’ Says Indiana Jones

INDIANA Jones, the eminent archaeologist, has condemned the Chinese as a 'gang of no-good scumbags' claiming they tried to poison him in a Shanghai nightclub.

'It was really quite frightening, actually '

Dr Jones said he had agreed to work with a group of Chinese businessmen to recover the ashes of Nurhachi, a Ming Dynasty emperor, in exchange for an undisclosed six figure sum.

Launching a compensation claim, he accused former business partner Lao She of breach of contract and acting like 'the worst kind of thug'.

Dr Jones said: "I arrived at Lao She's nightclub, on time and smartly dressed, expecting to be paid in full for, what I felt, was a job well done.

"I enjoyed a glass of champagne but declined the offer of caviar as I have been having a bit of acid reflux recently.

"Anyway, it quickly became clear that he had no intention of paying me and had instead decided to poison me. I know this because, for some reason, he told me.

"I have to admit, if I was going to poison someone I wouldn't then tell them I had done it and bring a bottle of the antidote with me – but that's beside the point.

"After a really, really painful 20 minute struggle I was able to escape with my young assistant and an annoying blonde woman with fantastic tits."

Dr Jones said he and his companions were then forced to flee to Northern India where he spent several days involved in a series of incredibly painful fights with an army of turban wearing madmen.

He added: "If anyone knows what 'kalimar' means, can they please write to my office?"