Stop Trying To Make Our Heads Explode, Say Teenagers
CAMPAIGNERS are calling for a ban on a hi-tech, ultra-sonic device which causes teenagers' heads to explode.
It is claimed the ExplodoMax2000™ crowd dispersal unit discriminates against young people because it emits a special frequency which makes their heads detonate instantly.
Wayne Hayes, from Liberty, the pro-Iran civil liberties group, said: "Teenagers have a right to stand outside shops and express themselves with saliva.
"Perhaps the shop owner should try getting to know them before he installs a machine designed specifically to make their heads explode."
But Denys Hatton, from the Federation of Small Businessmen, said: "I never thought I'd see the day when it was illegal to use ultra-sonic devices to blow-up children's heads.
"Some people are worried about the mess, but I'll tell you this: it's much easier to step over the bodies of a few headless teenagers than it is to push your way through a crowd."
The government is now assessing a range of alternative dispersal methods including grenades, ravenous polar bears, and a special audio device which plays Fields of Gold by Sting over and over again.
A Home Office spokesman said: "The Sting option is very effective at dispersing teenagers, but you then attract large groups of emotionally vulnerable, thirty-something women as well as the men who are trying to shag them.
"We'll probably just go with the polar bears."