More Women Having Lunch On Petrol Forecourts

RECORD numbers of women are having lunch on petrol station forecourts after filling up their cars with fuel, new research reveals.

The average time each woman spends parked next to the petrol pump after refuelling has risen from 45 minutes last year to an hour.

The only group staying longer are pensioner couples, who have just voted the petrol station their favourite picnic destination for the fifth year in a row, according to Saga magazine.

Nikki Hollis, 26, said she liked to lunch at her local petrol station because she could park without having to do any reversing and it sold three different sizes of Dairy Milk.

She said: “You can flick through a Heat magazine while you are eating, down a glass or two of Zinfandel, and there's still plenty of time to touch up your make-up in the rear view mirror.

“And if you forget something, it's okay, because the shop is right there.”

Elderly driver David Jackers said he discovered the joys of sitting at the petrol pumps after waiting an hour for his wife Enid to come back from the toilet and a browse in the shop.

He added: “They are lovely spots even if they do get a bit busy sometimes.

“But everyone is so friendly, they honk their horns at us and wave, and at our age the toilets are a godsend.”

Tom Logan, 43, a photocopier salesman from Dundee, said: “What are you waiting for? What THE FUCK are you waiting for?” 

He added: “Move. Move. Move. MOVE! FUCKING. MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE!”

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Offices Brace Themselves For Blue Smartie Conversations

PUBS and offices across Britain are bracing themselves for thousands of tortuous conversations about the return of blue Smarties.

Britain's Smartie fans are believed to be tingling with anticipation after food scientists discovered a non-fatal method for producing blue versions of the popular, sugar-coated chocolate sweets.

Following Royal Assent, they are expected to be re-introduced next month. The occasion will be marked with a full day of programmes on Channel Four.
 
Meanwhile work-based conversations are expected to start with a comparison of the different types of Smarties, with many insisting that the blue ones actually tasted better. However this will quickly be countered with a passionate defence of red and orange Smarties.

After half an hour someone from the legal department is expected to point out that blue is not, in fact, a 'flavour' and that they all taste exactly the same.

The conversation will then break for lunch while everyone goes to WH Smith for a coronation chicken sandwich, a can of Diet Fanta and some Smarties.

The afternoon session will include a comparative study of Smarties, Buttons, Minstrels and M&Ms, also known as 'the American Smarties'.

After a failed attempt to veer the discussion towards Fruit Pastilles, there will be a vague and slightly uncomfortable dialogue about how 'Blue Smarties' is supposed to be street code for some kind of drug, maybe ecstasy or the one used by those perverts who stuff tangerines in their mouths.

The conversation will then continue in the pub, where a light-hearted debate about using a Smartie tube as a telescope will eventually develop into a full-blown fist fight about the size of your cock.