Blair applies to be Caliph

FORMER prime minister Tony Blair has submitted his CV to the newly-declared Islamic Caliphate in the Middle East.

Already hugely successful in his role as Middle East peace envoy, Blair believes he is perfectly suited to be the unquestioned supreme leader of a new Islamist era.

He said: “In my previous role I was instrumental in creating networks of Islamic extremists in Iraq and Afghanistan using an innovative mix of aerial bombings and ground invasions.

“Feel free to check my references – there are very few jihadis who wouldn’t name Tony Blair and Operation Iraqi Liberation as their direct inspiration.

 “And I am already a figure both universally known and universally hated in the West, which is great positioning for ISIS.”

A spokesman for ISIS agreed that Blair’s credentials were impressive, but had doubts about his commitment and thought the tie he wore for the interview was carelessly chosen.

He continued: “He’s very strong on ignoring international law and manufacturing reasons for invasions, and his wife Cherie has worked hard to keep radical preachers in the UK.

“But if he’s such an outstanding candidate, why is there this seven-year gap in his employment record?

“And I’m definitely not keen on renaming Sharia Law as Blaria Law.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Flexible working not suitable for actual jobs

FLEXIBLE working is impractical for jobs where work needs to be done, it has emerged.

All UK employees are now entitled to request ‘flexitime’, but evidence suggests it may only be suitable for those doing media jobs or working in local council administration.

Fireman Tom Logan said: “We’ve been trying out flexible working, but it’s difficult to put out a warehouse fire when you’re sitting at home with a laptop eating biscuits.

““No matter how many strongly-worded emails you send, it still seems the only way to prevent burning buildings from being gutted is to go and drench them with water and foam.”

Accounts assistant Donna Sheridan said: “”My company lets me choose my hours and work from home, but my job is still boring as fuck. Also it takes forever to organise anything by phone and email, probably because my colleagues are in the garden and playing Swingball.

“Every day it takes me 20 hours to do eight hours work, so next week I’m going back to my hellish three-hour commute to the office just to get a bit of rest.”

However, freelance video artist Stephen Malley said: “In my industry we work flexibly, partly because it’s hard to be creative in a nine-to-five environment but mainly because media firms don’t make enough money to employ anyone full-time.

“If you’re considering a career making ‘virals’ for cool start-ups in Peckham, I’d definitely recommend having rich parents.”