Bono claims victory in Myanmar elections

BONO has taken power in Myanmar following three decades of tireless campaigning.

The ruling military junta has conceded defeat to U2, which fought the election on a platform of transparency, democracy, and vague, mawkish cliches about hope.

President-elect Bono said: “My entire career, from those black and white photos in the desert, to jumping out of a mechanical lemon, to the whole iTunes thing, has been building up to this moment.

“My very first priorities will be a new city-centre hotel, a nice big stadium, and an urgent reform of the tax laws.”

Defeated former leader Thein Sein said: “I can’t believe we lost to a man who once rhymed ‘high’ with ‘sky’, and ‘mole’ with ‘hole’, in the same song.”

Tickets for U2’s victory rally in Yangon are now on sale, priced at £300 each.

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Local knobhead still setting off fireworks

A LOCAL knobhead is annoying everyone where he lives by continuing to set off fireworks.

31-year-old Stephen Malley, who also has a Union Jack in his back garden, has persisted in setting off the colourful explosives for his own entertainment even though they are no longer culturally relevant.

Malley said: “I’ve spent a grand on fireworks, including some Chinese rocket thing called ‘Cherry Dragon Nuclear Special’, so I’m not going to let them all off in one night. I’ll be out in the garden drinking export lager and igniting things until Christmas.

“There will always be some sourpusses who moan just because there’s a series of deliberately loud bangs at midnight on a Monday. They can shut it and their frantically barking dogs can shut it too.

“I like to wind them up by stopping for about 12 minutes, so they think I’ve finally gone to bed, then letting off a mortar-like firework called a ‘Titanium Salute’.”

Neighbour Roy Hobbs said: “Someone needs to tell that moron that this fireworks thing is one night, not a season. You don’t see kids still going round trick or treating.

“He’s like some sort of early cave human who is hypnotised by the power of flame to make heat and light.”