Boris to help Irma relief effort by dangling from last remaining electricity cable in Anguilla

BORIS Johnson has flown to the hurricane disaster zone to dangle from the last remaining electricity cable under British control in the Caribbean.

The foreign secretary said that hanging from a wire would give him a ‘valuable overview’ of the relief effort and allow him to point at all the things that needed to be done.

He said: “As long as the winds remain relatively light and I’m not swinging around wildly, we should have everything back to normal by the weekend.”

Johnson will also help the local population by handing out a series of quotes from notoriously racist author Rudyard Kipling.

On arrival in Anguilla he will say: “If you can meet with triumph and disaster and treat those two imposters just the same, then you can take up the White Man’s Burden. Or something along those lines. You’re all feeling much better now, I can tell.”

Johnson will also perform The Bare Necessities from The Jungle Book, insisting ‘jungle survival skills could save thousands of Caribbean lives’.

He will then hand out prickly pears to people who just want some soup and a blanket.

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Man confirms ownership of girlfriend with expensive bracelet

A MAN has taken formal ownership of his girlfriend by buying her an expensive bracelet.

Marketing executive Martin Bishop spent £525 on a personalised silver and gold bracelet for girlfriend Nikki Hollis, which means she is now his to keep.

Bishop said: “We’ve been going out for almost six months so I decided to stake my claim on Nikki because she’s probably the best girlfriend I’m going to get.

“The bracelet was expensive and I had it engraved with ‘Martin & Nikki forever’ which is apparently a legal contract.

“In the next few years we can get married, Nikki can have a few kids and eventually we’ll grow old together. I should explain to her that all this is happening so I’ll put it in an email tomorrow.

“The bracelet was definitely worth it for the peace of mind of knowing no one else can have her. Considering all the stuff Nikki can do like sex and cooking she’s great value compared to my Audi.”

Hollis said: “I may as well get used to being Martin’s possession because there’s no way I can just give it back and tell him not to be a presumptuous twat.”