Brazilians asked if they are insane

THREE million Brazil residents who attended a mass by the Pope have been asked what they were thinking.

The vast number of beautiful people took time out from drinking delicious lime-based cocktails and watching the world’s best arses walk past to listen to a 77-year-old virgin going on and on and on.

British psychologist Julian Cook said: “Firstly, you should see this place. It’s so awesome that you just want to grab a pair of coconuts and start tapping out a samba rhythm.

“Or dance with people dressed like sexy peacocks, or do any number of things that aren’t hearing a grim-faced pensioner telling you not to shag.

“The Brazilians I interviewed were saying something about eternal salvation but I was too busy thinking about how really, really hot it is here to take too much notice.

“I think the general gist was that if they listened very carefully they might be admitted to a different paradise than the one they currently live in.”

Brazil has long been a strongly Catholic country as early settlers believed this was the only way to guilt the common man into not going surfing all day.

Brazilian Tony Motta said: “I went to the mass because I was curious to see whether anyone could make Copacabana beach not fun.

“Turns out the Pope can.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Ant Day declared a national holiday


BRITAIN has a new ant-based national holiday.

Workers will be given time off to enjoy the day when ants get their wings, fly drunkenly into cups of coffee and hair, and leave sticky trails of ant jizz on every window.

A government spokesman said: “Ant Day is a midsummer opportunity to forget about work, forget all the little stresses of life and just really enjoy the sheer spectacle of newly airborne ants fucking like champions.

““And it’’s truly democratic. Whether you’’re shopping for jewels in Mayfair, eating al fresco in Alderley Edge or living rough in Glasgow, flying ants will be fornicating in your face.””

Families around the country are planning to celebrate Ant Day with special Ant Day cocktails, Ant Day burgers and Ant Day side dishes.

Party planner Julian Cook said: “”Basically make anything, take it outside and in seconds it’’s garnished by flying ants with fresh wings and multi-segmented erections.

““Children can enjoy the traditional Ant Day game of squashing as many filthy copulating ants as they can, or why not go retro and give the kids a magnifying glass to incinerate an ant orgy at its moment of climax?””

The day is keenly anticipated by everyone, especially the ants who face the overwhelming pressure of learning to fly and to fuck in a single day.

Following Ant Day, which is expected to fall this week, there will be no insect-based events on the calendar until September 30, which is Stoned Crawling Wasp Day.