Brexiter convinced Bayeux Tapestry is wrong

A BREXITER believes the Bayeux Tapestry is bollocks because there is no way the Normans could have defeated the British.

After France offered to lend the famous artwork to the UK, Leave fanatic Nikki Hollis questioned whether French cowards could really outfight British soldiers who are the best in the world.

Office worker Hollis said: “The Normans wouldn’t have stood a chance against dead hard British soldiers like the historical Chris Ryan.

“The moment the French jumped out of their boats our brilliant archers would have started mowing them down. Probably Merlin the wizard was there too, shooting fireballs at them.

“I also find it hard to believe Harold was shot in the eye. An experienced knight would have pulled his visor down before skewering loads of Frenchmen on his massive lance like a kebab.”

She added: “Plus there’d have been early Spitfires strafing the beaches with their arrow machine guns. It’s disgusting that liberals unquestioningly accept a distorted version of history just because they hate Britain.

“I reckon the French came over, took one look at our lads and legged it. Once they were safely back in their chateaus they just made up the whole Battle of Hastings to not look like wankers.”

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Is everything shit? Or are you just hungry?

You feel like shit. Is everyone a dickhead and everything against you? Or do you just need a bun? Take this simple test:

How are you feeling right now?
a) Like I want to break something. I’m not exactly sure why; maybe because my job is  an endless carousel of pointless meetings full of arseholes.

b) Like I want to break something. I’m not exactly sure why, but I want to kick my computer to pieces and walk away from this office forever, ideally past a Greggs where I’d buy a steak bake.

What’s the biggest cause of stress in your life at the moment?
a) This low-level feeling that I will never be respected because my piece-of-shit line manager keeps belittling me and I’m the butt of everyone’s jokes.

b) This low-level feeling about pastry and the fact that I ate my lunch at 11.30am. And my piece-of-shit line manager.

Let’s look long-term: how does today compare to other recent days?
a) Much the same, although there was a day last week when the computers went down and we all got to fuck off three hours early. I felt alive. That was a good day.

b) Much the same, although one my colleagues brought some chocolate Hobnobs in yesterday. I felt alive. That was a good day.

How is your evening looking?
a) Heavy. I am going to lie on my sofa, whack on a boxset and gorge myself on German sausages until I cannot move.

b) Heavy. I am going to lie on my sofa, spend hours looking for jobs online and take a series of personality tests until I cannot move.

Mostly As
All signs point to hunger rather than existential crisis. Eat some crisps. You’ll be fine.

Mostly Bs
Existential crisis ahoy! By all means have a snack, but don’t feel bad if you turn to alcohol, drugs or sex addiction to get through it. It’s ‘whatever works’ when you’re in this kind of shitshow.